Irish forced to marry abroad

Conclusive evidence of the recession arrived this week, when figures published by the CSO revealed that just under 4,000 Irish couples (of a total 19,000) have been forced to tie the knot abroad so far this year.

‘It’s cheaper,’ said Deirdre Grant, of Irish Weddings Abroad.

Penurious couples have had recourse Sorrento, Rome, Cyprus, Malta and the Algarve in order to make their vows in a cost effective ceremony.

‘We’ve had this problem before. In the Eighties and the Fifties, Irish couples had to postpone marriage because the cost of housing was too high. Something similar plagued us during the nineteenth century,’ said celebrity historian Micheál O Siochrú.

‘Now the reality is that the actual cost of a wedding is prohibitive. Without these cheap foreign alternatives the marriage rate would drop dramatically, which could result in the kind of fall off in population that hasn’t been seen since the time of Cromwell.’

Budget plan revealed

Two key cuts have been revealed by the Minister for Finance this weekend.

In a decision that may prove unpopular, medical cards for over-70s are to be withdrawn.

‘This isn’t as bad as it sounds,’ said the Minister for Finance. ‘I have an uncle in Westmeath who’s always at the doctor’s, but it’s just to socialize. In some ways the waiting room is the new pub in rural Ireland. Taking your perscription is just something to do.’

‘At that age, having to remember anything keeps you on your toes. During the Celtic Tiger such practices were viewed benignly. But in the current climate the elderly will have to find ways of fighting isolation that are less costly to the public coffers.’

The second move is sure to send ripples of discontent through all Departments. In a move that will generate hundreds of millions for the exchequer, Mr Lenihan plans to let the entire civil service go.

The Finance Minister’s dislike of quangos was expressed as far back as two years ago, but his concern over the quality of the civil service has been longstanding.

Peeling the Orange

Irish students are not interested in the history of Northern Ireland, according to Vincent Rogers, Secondary School Curricular Officer at the Department of Education.

The theme of bigotry that comes good in the end has failed to capture the imaginations of school goers.

Pupils aged between 14 and 18 find the topic ‘full of pettiness, intransigence and meaningless violence.’

New Media Learning techniques will be in place from next September, when the history of the North becomes a significant component in the Leaving Certificate.

NML reaches out to students in their own language. Traditional book learning is to be supplemented with powerpoint presentations.

One of the most exciting pilot projects will have teachers, standing at the top of the class, sending text messages which explain complex problems in the space of 260 characters to their pupils. It is hoped that in the near future most of the lesson will be carried out via text.

Under the Clock

The Editor of the Irish Times, Ms Geraldine Kennedy, had to be forcibly restrained by staff on Friday night, after she demanded an editorial on the restoration of the newspaper’s clock.

The clock, which Ms Kennedy billed as ‘iconic’, received a front page coverage, with a large photograph accompanied by a 363 word article. This was followed by a further 692-word article on page three. Staff watched as Ms Kennedy orchestrated an on-line slide show to compliment the coverage.

Rumblings of discontent began when Ms Kennedy, who earns a basic salary of €323,000, announced plans to make the clock the subject of Saturday’s editorial.

‘It was a step too far,’ said Alison Healy, who was made pen the articles.

Three years ago Ms Kennedy faced down a significant staff rebellion, provoked by the lavish salaries of senior management. The Sunday Independent reported on 7 August 2005:

‘Geraldine Kennedy and five other directors were paid a total of €2.6m last year - an extraordinary 20.5 per cent cut of the paper's total profits. The rest of the 544 staff shared just four per cent of Irish Times profits among them.’

Insiders say the paper is being torn apart by ‘divisions that only Fianna Fail has known.’

Frank McDonald, Kathy Sheridan, Lorna Siggins, Miriam Lord, Shane Hegarty, Michael Viney, Eileen Battersby and the pol cors are firmly in favour of good quality, low cost domestic reporting.

This is in stark contrast to high-end faction, led by Roisin Ingle, who last week traveled to India for a three page article on therapeutic massage.

Divisions were symbolically on show last week when Brian O Connell wrote a piece about getting an expensive Dublin haircut, only to be followed a day later by Fiona McCann visiting the capital’s charity shops, a subtle criticism of the high-enders.

Insiders are waiting to hear from paper heavy-weight Fintan O Toole, who is both open to six month trips to China and critical of the ‘fat cat’ mentality.

The clock was originally erected at the newspaper’s offices in Westmoreland Street, at the beginning of the tewntieth century; it can now be viewed outside the paper’s news offices on Townsend Street.

Defender of Democracy

In an interview with the Sunday Independent today Libertas leader Declan Ganley claimed that he ‘caught the European Union by the beard and I smote it,’ in this way ‘delivering Ireland out of the paw of Brussels.’

Since his June victory the Libertas leader, one of a small number of Irish people to speak with an English accent, has never been seen without a helmet of brass on his head and five smooth stones in a sling. The stones do not have their origins in the EU.

Mr Ganley, a man of ruddy countenance and mysterious wealth, also revealed that he sent the late Liam Lawlor on a humanitarian mission to Albania. ‘I wanted him to warn the people out there of pyramid schemes.’

In the manner of another Fianna Fail Minister Mr Ganley has sought to draw in line in the sand on the subject of Libertas’ funding. His ‘clear and concise’ clarification is as follows:

‘We complied with the rules to the letter. Finished.’

Mr Ganley admitted he admires Henry VIII, who is best remembered as Defender of the Faith. ‘Henry was a man who was faced with bureaucracy, not from Brussels, but from Rome. Like Libertas, he refused to be told how to run his domestic affairs by the diktats of a foreign organisation.’

Mr Ganley will speak on the Lisbon Treaty at UCD this Tuesday evening.

Obama’s Ageism

Barack Obama has refused to support Ireland’s Positive Ageing Week, fearful that his remarks could be seen as an endorsement for the McCain campaign.

The revelation came when Taoiseach Brian Cowen, in New York to address a high-level UN summit in New York, asked the Illinois Senator for ‘a supportive comment, a soundbite, just something to raise the Week’s profile.’

‘We were quite taken aback,’ said Lorraine Dorgan, deputy chief executive of Age Action.

Positive Ageing Week began on Friday and will continue until 4 October.

In Lehman’s terms

U.S. lawmakers have officially signed off on a deal to create a $700 billion government fund to buy bad debt from ailing banks in a bid to stem a credit crisis threatening the global economy.

‘You struggle against adversity to set up a business, you display the entrepreneurial spirit that America cherishes, you create a multibillion dollar organisation, you cook the books, someone finds out, it all goes through the floor – so your Government bails you out and you start again,’ said U.S Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson.

‘The United States has never believed in a heartless, dog eat dog society,’ he added.

Speaker Pelosi hopes the deal will help put last week's ‘white-knuckle volatility’ behind.

‘What America needs now is a small-scale terrorist attack to distract us, to unite us, to give us back our confidence,’ said President Bush.

‘At least one centre of excellence’

Tullamore’s new hospital was praised yesterday as ‘state of the art and top of the range, like’ by staff members.

The building has been kitted out with ‘nothing but the best,’ a move that is seen by locals as a veiled apology by the Taoiseach for his tenure as Minister for Health from 1997 – 2000.

Unfortunately the new complex is ‘teeming with infections’ owing to the poor hygiene of the toilets and a reluctance of staff and public alike to wash their hands.

Fine Gael’s Alan Shatter has called on Mr Cowen to replace the ‘as many staff as possible with nuns.’

Across the nation, problems of hygiene bedevil the health system, an infestation of bed bugs at Listowel Community Hospital, Co Kerry, being only the latest example.

Developer fined

An unnamed developer has been fined a staggering 1,000 for illegally demolishing a nineteenth century convent in Terenure.

Eoin Higgins, a planning enforcement officer with the council, told the court he had twice served notice on the company to reinstate the building, something that proved impossible after its demolition.

The Presentation Convent was described by Judge David McHugh as ‘a very fine building.’

The developer, trading under the name Kimpton Vale Ltd, hopes to secure planning permission for an office block ‘so that the convent will not have died in vain.’

Meanwhile, another developer has denied before the Mahon Tribunal that a deleted diary entry was about an illicit payment. Counsel for Mr Owen O Callaghan explained that the entry, far from concerning his Quarryvale project, was most likely an idea for a three act drama which the developer had later decided wasn’t up to scratch.

New Galway water alert

For the second time in less that eighteen months Galway’s water supply could be contaminated. Taoiseach Brian Cowen has conceded that this is a deliberate Government policy.

‘Basically, we didn’t want another Cork on our hands. Galway has been getting a little too confident recently, particularly with its Arts Festival going from strength to strength. Cork is unbearable, and we can’t have that replicated in another part of the country.’

‘Last year, we let the cryptosporidium parasite loose. This year we’re warning people of lead poisoning, so it’s subtler. You don’t know for sure whether you should be on your guard. Is it okay to brush my teeth or not? And of course, boiling water won’t remove lead. Locals simply have to ask themselves that age old question: do I feel lucky?’

‘If we’re still concerned about the city's confidence levels after this people can expect a bout of E coli in the next six to twelve months.’

We're all republicans

John McCain sought to curry favour with the Irish-American vote when he addressed the Irish American Presidential Forum in the Scranton, Pennsylvania, yesterday.

‘I want to assure you that we will enact comprehensive immigration reform so that we can give people - after they do certain things, obviously - a path to citizenship in this country. The first of those things can be done on November fifth,’ he hinted.

‘I admit, a reference to ‘those pesky Mexicans’ can do wonders in a community hall. But 50,000 Irish illegals? It’s a different story. And don’t get me started on Northern Ireland. I’m so interested in it. I once touched down in Shannon and I could nearly feel the hope and history rhyming.’

World Bank i-Moon

African countries are lagging behind the targets we set them, UN secretary general Ban Ki-moon warned yesterday.

‘Developed countries pledged to half global poverty by 2015 – and I don’t see that happening.’

Mr Ban urged developed countries to spend €48.7 million a year extra to help African leaders meet our goals.

‘Pulling millions out of extreme poverty in Africa looks like good value, Mr Ban said, when you think that people paid €89 million for a few Hirsts. Heck, it'd cost more to buy Aston Villa.'

Cluj-less

‘Have you any nice monasteries?’ asked President Mary McAleese as she touched down in Bucharest International airport, Romania. ‘I love a good retreat.’

President Basescu smiled and looked nervously at Lazăr Comănescu, his Minister for Foreign Affairs.

The Romanian President told his Irish counterpart that he was ‘anxious to attract our far-flung diaspora home. We have a terrible skills shortage here now.’

Mrs McAleese agreed that Ireland was very fortunate to have attracted highly educated and skilled young people into its restaurant industry.

‘Ireland and Romania have taken a long time to find each other, separated until recently by history and geography,’ she said last night while addressing a state dinner. ‘Now we are united by your need to work and our excess of money.’

The President will travel to Cluj in Transylvania today on the last day of her visit where she will meet with members of a faculty of Irish studies at the Babe-Bolyai University.

Woods for the fees

It emerged yesterday that the estimated savings to the exchequer, were university fees to be reintroduced, are wrong. Dr Noel Woods, a UCC health economist, told Education Minister Batt O'Keeffe earlier this week that the move would generate €530 million in its first year. The figure is actually €130 million.

‘It's a little embarrassing,’ said Mr O Keeffe. ‘But he was rushing to a conference. Anyway, the reintroduction of fees is off the cards now. We’re working on a very bold project to obviate that need.'

'Irish teenagers spent €145m on alcohol in 2006. Under a new proposal the Department of Finance will collect that €145 million at the beginning of each school year.

'€130million will be put towards third level fees immediately. The remaining €15 million will still go towards drink for our teenagers, but it will be distributed on a more sensible basis.

'Every adolescent will be given drink vouchers. This way the kids spend money more wisely by paying for their own future education - and they drink more moderately during the academic year.’

Kicking the habit

George Hook addressed the Fine Gael party in Clare yesterday. The rugby pundit gave Ireland’s second largest parliamentary party a ‘searing’ dressing-room analysis. His motivational talk focused on winning.

‘Losing is a habit, like smoking,’ he told Enda Kenny’s followers. ‘You have to give up losing, one loss at a time.’

At a news conference later Mr Kenny said: ‘The point he was making was that, winners have belief, discipline, organisation and a clear message. Only one party in Ireland has those qualities.'

'I am going to be urging my party colleagues to write to Fianna Fail TDs, and offer to do an internship with them. One, two weeks, whatever. There's a lot to be said for going back to the drawing board. And let's face it, we have the time.'

Pogue Mahon

Judge Alan Mahon has ruled that Mr Ahern should be ‘condemned to spend time with himself, deprived of attention.’

Mr Ahern, the judge said, was someone who ‘dreads the moment when solitude should deliver him to the tyranny of reflection.’

While there is no prohibition on public appearances, Mr Ahern can no longer host television programmes and will have to resign his positions with property developers Parker Green and withdraw from the World Economic Forum.

The judge was dissatisfied with the evidence presented by Mr Ahern, but rather than recommend traditional punitive measures for the former Taoiseach judge Mahon has injuncted him from ‘occupying any position that secures the esteem of the public.’

‘This is like a kiss of death for Bertie,’ said one Drumcondra Mafioso. ‘He likes nothing more than the limelight. While he is a man of the people he loves the deferential treatment that comes with respectable positions.’

The decision puts paid to Mr Ahern’s ambitions for the Aras. The former Taoiseach had hoped to spend two terms there, beginning in 2011.

Judge Mahon couched his criticisms with a reference to a Greek statesman, who, when offered the gift of memory, said he would rather have the gift of forgetting. ‘It seems from his evidence to the tribunal that some muse granted Mr Ahern the wish which was denied to Themistocles,’ he said.

The three-time Taoiseach maintained throughout the tribunal that he ‘never in public life took a bribe, backhander or anything else.’

Palin comparison

Erection loss in the Obama camp has further invigorated the Republican ticket and increased Democratic nerves.

Mr Obama got his first lazy erection eight days ago, two days after the St Paul Convention. Since then pollsters say a marked fall-off in support has been noticeable. Youth and energy, both Obama trademarks two months ago, are now used to describe Sarah Palin.

Erectile dysfunction is commonly linked to notions of power, success and masculinity – attributes both sexes tend to support in leadership contests. The Change candidate’s inability to maintain an erection has turned blue-collar, Reagan Democrats away.

‘This just came out of left field,’ said Craig Schirmer, the Obama state director. ‘There were no problems before September. I think that was clear from the way he walked. But there's 51 days to go, so no, we're not worried. He'll get it back.’

The problem has dogged Democrats in the past, making the Kerry and Gore, not to mention Carter and Mondale campaigns a misery for Democrats.

Mullingar redivivus

Enda Kenny has broken his summer recess silence to suggest a two-term limit for Fianna Fail governments.

‘There’s no question of subverting the democratic process,’ the Mayo leader said. ‘The President isn’t allowed go for a third term. I see no good reason why this rule shouldn’t apply across the board.

Labour leader Eamon Gilmore has backed the Kenny idea. ‘It’s an issue that needs to be put to the people,’ he said. ‘At the very least an Oireachtas committee could be established to discuss it. Nothing whiles away the time like an Oireachtas committee.’

The Zimbab way

World leaders yesterday reacted with ‘cautious optimism’ to the news that Zimbabwe is on the brink of a powersharing deal.

The deal would see an old dictator concede some power to an untested man, and has been brokered by a 66 year old African leader who doesn’t believe in Aids.

Mr Mugabe will retain his title of president, remain in control of the army and chair cabinet meetings.

Mr Tsvangirai will be called prime minister and will have control of the police force which up until two months ago terrorised his supporters.

There will be 31 cabinet portfolios to allow to liberal distribution of the spoils of power.

‘The European Commission of course welcomes this significant step forward,’ said John Clancy, commission spokesman on humanitarian aid and development issues.

Bernadebt of gratitude

‘There is a love in this world that is stronger than death, stronger than our weaknesses and sins, stronger than our desire to win the lotto,’ said Pope Benedict today. He was celebrating mass at Lourdes this morning.

The 81 year old representative of Jesus was dressed smartly in white and gold filigree.

Humans should refuse to believe ‘those who claim that we are trapped in the fatal power of our destiny,’ he told a large crowd of sick and disabled pilgrims. 'Christ suffered on the cross, so you don't have to,' said the pontiff. 'For this we are thankful.'

Yesterday the pope drank some of the water in the grotto. ‘It’s no San Pellegrino,’ he joked, as aides wiped his mouth. 'But it sure tastes holy.'

Welcome news from Asia

In recent days it has emerged that tainted rice has been served in Japanese hospitals and nursing homes, while infants in China are fighting kidney stone problems after the mass circulation of toxic baby milk powder.

‘Certainly, for my part I think Irish health service consumers can be confident in comparison,’ said Prof Brendan Drumm, chief executive of the HSE, on Friday.

‘A handful of misdiagnosed cancer patients and a few stray wombs are indeed issues of concern, but there are processes in place to ensure that I don’t lose my job because of them.’

Triple crown tidy town

Last night Minister for the Environment John Gormley presided over the Tidy Towns awards ceremony dinner at the Burlington Hotel. Mr Gormley was jubilant at the Westport win. ‘This is a victory for Mayo. Corrib could take a leaf out of your book.’

He dismissed the incipient hunger strike by local woman Maura Harrington.

'I’ve fasted longer for Trocaire,' he said.

Burrening love

‘This is a race against time,’ said Transport Minister Noel Dempsey.

He was reacting to the news that the partial remains of a young female, dating to between 2500-2000 BC, were uncovered during an archaeological dig in the Burren, Co Clare.

The Minister has pledged to build a road ‘or an office block’ over the site as quickly as possible.

He has spoken to Éamon Ó Cuív, Minister for Community, Rural and Gaeltacht Affairs, and the two are to propose the development at Cabinet tomorrow.

The prehistoric remains were found in the passageway to the central burial chamber of Caherconnell Cashel, a well-preserved stone fort, during the dig which began a fortnight ago. Insiders say a proposal to adapt the stone fort into a car park would meet with ‘broad approval’ from all quarters.

Limp sums

‘Leave us our menial jobs’ repeated Leo Varadkar yesterday.

The Fine Gael TD, who lives in Ongar, has suggested offering all immigrants a lump sum payment of up to six months’ worth of unemployment benefit if they agree to return home.

‘If they say something populist like ‘this is my home’ the offer should vanish immediately,’ he clarified.

A lot of ‘new Irish’ live in Ongar and attend schools in Mr Varadkar’s constituency.

Grand Larseny

An Bord Pleanála, which is held in high esteem by developers, is hearing submissions on Seán Dunne’s proposed Ballsbridge tower.

It has a number of high profile backers, many of whom are paid to support the project.

Gate Theatre director Michael Colgan and RTE’s Bill O'Herlihy are among the 44 who lodged appeals in favour of the scheme. Colgan is cultural adviser for the project and O'Herlihy does its PR.

The building is to be 37 storeys high. It has been designed by a Danish firm called Henning Larsen. A Danish man called Ulrik Raysse was sent by the Danish firm to endorse its commission.

Ballsbridge was a ‘unique urban quarter,’ he said. The Dunne tower would make Ballsbridge a ‘reeally unique urban quarter.’

Ian Ritchie, the architect responsible for the Dublin Spire in O'Connell Street, is a member of the jury which selected the Larsen scheme for Ballsbridge. He turned up to endorse it. This incongruous building would ‘do much for the growing international reputation of Dublin,’ he said. For the most part the Dublin suburb is currently seek as a place of residence. The development would mark Ballsbridge as ‘a place of change.’

It is hoped that Julian Opie will vouch for the building’s aesthetic beauty.

Mr Dunne, who admires many of An Bord Pleanála’s past decisions, says his scheme will ‘rejuvenate’ the area and ‘put Dublin 4 on the map.’

It is opposed by 12 residents’ associations, Des O Malley and Dermot Desmond. One resident objected, saying the plan would drive a coach and four through the Dublin City Development Plan 2005-2011.

‘A coach and thirty-seven,’ replied Mr Dunne.

Lis-boa constricted

The Minister for Foreign Affairs, Micheál Martin, stressed yesterday afternoon that the Government fully respected the vote of the Irish people. He was launching an analysis of why the Lisbon Treaty was defeated.

‘There was something of an EU knowledge deficit,’ he admitted. ‘Which was a kick in the teeth to get from a knowledge economy.’

The survey provided interviewees with rationalisations of their fears, and invited them to choose the reasons they felt best summed up their rejection of the treaty. ‘It’s a very valuable snapshot,’ said Mr Martin, praising the researchers’ techniques.

42% of people cited fear of conscription in an EU army as the main reason they rejected the document.

27% were afraid of a terrorist attack on Sellafield.

32% feared the reintroduction of the marriage ban for women.

Young voters felt there was nothing to stop Brussels reversing the 1972 referendum changing the voting age from 21 to 18.

The survey gave a number of options people could tick, according to their fears. The study did not allow for the ‘drip drip’ effect the British tabloids have had on Irish attitudes. It made no mention of Mr Cowen’s recent acession to power and two week media honeymoon. It made no mention that the polls indicated it was in the bag as late as May 20th. It made no mention of Libertas, whose influence was as strong as the Kronenzeitung is in Austria.

The establishment didn’t take Catholic concerns into account,’ said Cardinal Seán Brady. ‘A political document, be it a constitution or whatever, should recognise the immense contribution of the Church to European culture; its contents should reassure Catholics that homosexuality, abortion and yes, divorce, are not happy things for society. The absence of this sank the treaty in my view.’

Declan Ganley will be available for comment when he returns from a United States fundraising tour.

Fools Belarussian?

The Government of Belarus has imposed a ban on Chernobyl children travelling abroad.

This is an attempt to close a legislative loop hole. Up until now, children who left the country for short periods sometimes made surprise decisions not to return.

It was deemed necessary after sixteen year old Tanya Kazyra decided to stay with her ‘pair family’ in California, last August. Tanya told Associated Press last month: ‘I love my motherland and my grandmother. But my life there is hard. And I have a family here, and roller blades.’

The legislation has met with severe criticism from Adi Roche, of the Chernobyl Children’s Project International fame. Her group has brought more than 17,000 children to Ireland for treatment and recuperation since 1991.

Minister for Foreign Affairs Micheál Martin has asked Minsk to reconsider.

‘No,’ said President Aleksandr G. Lukashenko. ‘There are millions of children around the world that need help. Why have you chosen ours? Why not help the Dalits of India? Or all those homeless kids in Haiti? I’m sure any of those kids would be more than happy to spend two weeks annually in your country.’

Sarkozy Upsetia

Russian President Dmitri Medvedev was treated to four hours with Nicolas Sarkozy this weekend.

Russia’s war with Georgia began on August 7 and lasted five days. While admitting that it was ‘no six day war’ Mr Medvedev says troops still deserve to stay on a little while and relax, as the Israelis did in the Golan Heights and the Sinai Peninsula.

The war has been painful for Moscow – Stalin was a Georgian and his father an Ossetian shoe maker.

The Russian recognition of the break-away province – described by Mr Medvedev as ‘an irreversible choice, an irrevocable decision’ – has much to do with this connection, say psychoanalysts.

For a full three and a half hours the French President tried to secure a peace agreement photo opportunity that would satisfy all sides. His efforts came to nothing.

Mr Medvedev did however agree to allow 200 observers from the European Union to monitor the conflict from mid-October onwards. 'Monitor away,' the Russian leader said.

Ireland is not expected to be part of this project, though the observation of things in foreign places by our armed forces does not compromise Irish neutrality.

‘Yeesh, you Westerners,' said an exasperated Dmitri Rogozin, Russia’s envoy to NATO. 'Give me China any day.'

350,000 litres of rainwater flooded the Russian Orthodox Church in Harold’s Cross, Dublin, last Friday. Mr Medvedev was unreceptive to M. Sarkozy’s suggestion that this could be construed as retribution for Russian aggression in Georgia. No Catholic buildings were inundated.

Yuri Andropov once said

Speech by John McCain, 26 March 2008. With the slightest of changes, here it is given by Vladimir Putin:

I am an idealist, and I believe it is possible in our time to make the world we live in a better, more peaceful place, where our interests and those of our allies are more secure, and Russian ideals are transforming the world.

But we cannot wish the world to be a better place than it is. We have enemies for whom no attack is too cruel, and no innocent life safe, and who would, if they could, strike us with the world’s most terrible weapons. There are states that support them, and which might help them acquire those weapons because they share with terrorists the same animating hatred for the East, and will not be placated by fresh appeals to the better angels of their nature. This is the central threat of our time.

Yuri Andropov once said of Russia, "God has created us and brought us to our present position of power and strength for some great purpose." In his time, that purpose was to contain capitalism and build the structures of peace and prosperity that could provide safe passage through the Cold War. Now it is our turn.

To meet this challenge requires understanding the world we live in, and the central role that Russia must play in shaping it for the future. Russia must lead in the 21st century, just as in Andropov's day.

I run for President because I know it is incumbent on Russia, more than any other nation on earth, to lead in building the foundations for a stable and enduring peace, a peace built on the strength of our commitment to it, on the transformative ideals on which we were founded, on our ability to see around the corner of history, and on our courage and wisdom to make hard choices.

Lenihan finds way out

The Government has found a way out of the current economic crises. It has lodged a compensation claim with the British Government for €330 billion.

This follows the Italian agreement to pay Libya €2.5 billion compensation for its thirty year occupation of the North African nation. ‘It is a material and emotional recognition of the mistakes that our country has done to yours during the colonial era,’ Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi told Muammar Gadafy.

‘When Brian heard this he had something of a Eureka moment,’ said Enterprise Minister Micheál Martin.

The sum has been calculated by the Department Finance and is seen as a generous understatement of our case.

‘We know Britain isn’t exactly teeming with money at the moment,’ said Mr Lenihan last night. ‘But the Libyan case sets a precedent and we’re willing to take this to Strasbourg. We have multiplied the sum in recognition of the longer period of occupation suffered by this country but we are only asking the British Government to compensate for four hundred years of oppression as opposed to the traditional eight.’

Obama to star in Gatsby remake

A scripted exchange due to take place at the Republican Convention has been leaked. The following dialogue will take place between John McCain and Sarah Palin in St Paul on Thursday:

‘I’ve made a small investigation of this fellow,’ says Mc Cain.
‘What?’
‘I said I’ve made a small investigation of Obama’s past.’
‘And you found he was an Oxford man,’ says Palin helpfully.
‘An Oxford man! McCain is incredulous. ‘Like hell he is! He wears a pink suit. Oxford, New Mexico more like it.’

The exchange will be followed by a three minute montage that compares Mr Obama to Jay Gatsby.

Fukuda urges Cowen to follow

In a move that came as a blow to Taoiseach Brian Cowen, the Japanese PM tendered his resignation last night.

Mr Cowen has often been compared to Mr Fakuda (72). Both men took over just as the fortunes of their countries began to wane, and both men were cursed with more popular predecessors.

Mr Ahern and Junichiro Koizumi were both credited with the expansion of their countries' economies.

The seventy-two year old was very critical of the amount of ‘confusion’ that obtained during his brief stint - a statement that seems all too similar to our post-Ahern plight. ‘It is a fact that it took very long to decide on anything,’ Mr Fakuda said. He urged Cowen to follow his lead.

Mr Taro Aso, a conservative sixty-seven year old man, is expected to take the reins.

Jihad UK

A leaked memo from the Home Office has Britons gripped with fresh fears of a terrorist attack. The document, entitled Responding to Economic Challenges, envisages the following scenario:

If the economic situation grows worse then the public might grow hostile to migrants. If this occurs, radical Islamist groups could be in a better position to recruit than they currently are. If they are successful British Muslims could carry out attacks in major British cities.

British finance minister Alistair Darling stoked the fire with another conditional sentence: 'the current slump could be the worst for 60 years,' he said yesterday.

Five star Cullen ‘for security reasons.’

Expenses incurred by Sports Minister Martin Cullen’s Olympic appearances were ‘unavoidable,’ a Department spokesperson has said.

The Minister’s flights alone cost €17,000. This may seem a large sum, but a thirty second advertising spot on this year’s Late Late Toy Show will cost the same amount.

Mr Cullen travelled first class for every leg of his visit and all Government officials were booked into the five star China World Hotel on the advice of the Olympic organising committee. ‘I was merely following orders,’ the Waterford-man said.