Smart Government

Following the success of the Cabinet meeting which okayed the nationalisation of Anglo Irish Bank, a meeting which was led by the Taoiseach from Japan, the Government has decided to conduct all future business by telephone.

If the plan goes well, Mr Cowen plans to extend it to the Dail chamber.

‘Deputies have a heavy workload, particularly in these difficult economic times. The fact that they have to spend two and a half, sometimes three, days in Leinster House slows things down more than you can imagine. The move is also energy efficient, which is so important to our Coalition partners,’ the Taoiseach said. ‘The use of telephones will enable us to save petrol by remaining in our constituencies. Also, Leinster House is a fierce place to heat.'

Already there has been some opposition. Laois-Offaly constituency colleague and Minister of State in the Department of Health, John Maloney, believes there is something more to the new proposal.

‘I don’t want to sound disloyal or anything, but no-one knows what’s gone wrong with him,’ said Mr Maloney. ‘This is not the man we know.' Maloney fears that the Taoiseach may have in fact mirrored developments in the world economy by falling into a depression himself.

'He was never one for taking things lying down,' explained Mr Maloney. 'He’d never back off or allow people to say something like ‘he’s not up to it’. Now he’s lying down all the time, and slurring his words.'

Backbenchers fear that if the telephone plan is successful, as it undoubtedly was in Japan, Mr Cowen might cease making public appearances.

Minister John Gormley said: The Green party backs this measure all the way. We are on message with the Taoiseach and keenly look forward to implementing this radically new smart proposal. Telephones have served us well in the past, and they will serve us well in the future.'

Beef industry to subsidise flatulent cattle

Minister for the Environment John Gormley said today he was ‘very surprised’ to learn how Agriculture Minister Brendan Smith argued against reducing cattle numbers.

‘I’m near speechless,’ he raged, cracking a pencil in two and flinging it from his Custom House eyrie. ‘Smith knows about the Government’s sub-committee on climate change.'

According to Mr Gormley flatulent cattle account for 27% of all our greenhouse emissions, which Ireland has pledged to reduce by 30% by 2020. Green orthodoxy has it that unless the number of cattle in Ireland is drastically reduced, most of the profits from the beef industry will go towards offsetting carbon credits.

‘If we cut our cattle numbers, our beef would simply be replaced on world markets by beef produced in a much less sustainable way - actually making the global climate change situation worse,’ Mr Smith told Teagasc.

'Typical Fianna Fail stroke politics. I should have known,' Gormley screamed, before attempting a pun with the Fianna Fail leader's surname that was related to the topic.

War on Climate Change in jeopardy

France, Germany and Austria are seeking to downsize ambitions to reduce consumption of fossil fuels and curb carbon dioxide emissions.

‘They’re doing this in the name of caution, but we are surrounded by a deadly web of climate change that will lead to droughts, floods and rising sea levels if not checked immediately,’ said Luxembourg lawmaker Claude Turmes.

A failure to tackle climate change head on will result in a ‘bottomless pit,’ according to John Gibbons of climatechange.ie. ‘And out of the pit will arise smoke, like the smoke of a great furnace; and the sun and the air will be darkened by reason of the smoke from the pit. And out of the smoke will come locusts, and unto them will be given power. And in those days men shall seek death, and shall not find it.’

The European Union had planned to cut carbon dioxide emissions by a fifth by 2020.

Eastern European states, still economically far behind their western counterparts, have been reluctant to put the breaks on their expansion. If they do not, France, Germany, Austria and others fear they will look like schnooks by adhering to the rules.

Minister for the Environment John Gormley, who today launched a consultation paper on removing inefficient light bulbs from the Irish market, is critical of France, Germany, Austria.

‘The world is a lot like a light bulb,’ he said. ‘It can be switched on as well as off. It can be efficient as well as inefficient.’

Since becoming Party leader, Mr Gormley has toured the country advocating a remission of carbon sins, encouraging penitent travellers to contribute money to offset their carbon credits. To this aim, he has composed a charming ditty:

‘As soon as a coin in the coffer rings
your carbon footprint from purgatory springs.’

Next year Mr Gormley is to announce a jubilee indulgence, with all proceeds going to the construction of wind turbines, the funding of low-energy lightbulbs, the development of low-energy electricity and the cultivation of sustainable vegetables.

In the face of pressure from other EU states the Minister for the Environment has pledged to jealously guard Ireland's carbon neutrality.

Triple crown tidy town

Last night Minister for the Environment John Gormley presided over the Tidy Towns awards ceremony dinner at the Burlington Hotel. Mr Gormley was jubilant at the Westport win. ‘This is a victory for Mayo. Corrib could take a leaf out of your book.’

He dismissed the incipient hunger strike by local woman Maura Harrington.

'I’ve fasted longer for Trocaire,' he said.