Dail reconvenes after 40-day fast

The Dail reconvened today after a 40 day holiday period. Business commenced with a very welcome piece of news from the Taoiseach. Mr Cowen pledged the establishment of a special Task Force on Indecision.

The Task Force will investigate whether or not the current government is ‘floundering’ in the face of the economic crisis and report back to an Ombudsman for Decisiveness, a role that is shortly to be filled on the Taoiseach’s nomination.

Mr Cowen moved swiftly to deny that he had any problems with democratic accountability. ‘No, I have no problem with democratic accountability,’ he said, before qualifying: ‘but as long as I am running this Government I will run it as I see fit, as I believe, based on my philosophy.’

The Taoiseach spared the House an explanation of his philosophy, but he is widely understood to be a pragmatist of the William James school.

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Minister for the Environment John Gormley spoke next. He had intended to phase out incandescent light bulbs from June this year, but has decided not proceed with the measure until September, when the EU will require us to do so.

‘The EU plan is more ambitious,’ Mr Gormley told the House. ‘There’s not much point in passing legislation now if the EU was going to require us to do so in the near future.’

Last week Mr Gormley refuted claims by resigning Green councilor Bronwyn Maher that the Green party was ‘only implementing EU policy.’

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Minister for Agriculture Brendan Smith told the House that as much as €400 million could be saved if farmers were to take the ‘mature, patriotic and courageous’ decision not to claim the repayments owed to them by the Government for the successful Farm Waste Management plan.
Members of the FF party pressed the Taoiseach to give a ‘state of the nation’ address to the country but he just smiled.

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Shortly after 11 o’ clock positive news from Kerry trickled into Leinster House. A pub and shop owned by Páidí Ó Sé was unanimously rezoned by Kerry County Council. The pub and shop are now a village. Up until now the land had been a prime special amenity, a designation that scenic landscapes receive. Mr Ó Sé will now be able to build a sports interpretative centre and a commercial residential development for the citizens of his premises. A ripple of nostalgia touched the Fianna Fail parliamentary party.

Mr Ó Sé was made president of Bord Failte ‘because he is my friend,’ former Taoiseach Bertie Ahern emphasized at the time.

Icelandic Government meltdown

Taoiseach-in-waiting Enda Kenny was in ebullient form this afternoon with the news that Iceland's coalition government had collapsed. Mr Kenny managed to pun twice on the Icelandic PM's name.

That Taoiseach would 'want to get in Geir' if the same thing wasn't to happen to his government, Mr Kenny warned, before joking that there were 'Haarde decisions to be made.'

In a surprise move, the Icelandic Foreign Minister, who was recently tipped to succeed Mr Haarde, announced this afternoon a two month leave of absence.

President’s heart ‘lacerated’ by Holocaust

‘And God forbid it should be any other way,’ said Mrs McAleese at the National Holocaust Memorial Day commemoration at the Mansion House last night. No future generation should ever know ‘the indulgence of forgetting’ and for all time the Holocaust should be ‘probed for how it came to be.’

The President lashed out against ‘toxic teaching’ that is taking place ‘somewhere in our world.’ The victims of this teaching are told to ‘hate the otherness of others.’

The President's keynote address was followed by a choreographed representation of life in Auschwitz. Dancers moved to the Take That hit Never Forget.

All four of the Jews to whom Ireland gave refuge during the Second World War were present at what was described by one Gentile as a ‘moving’ ceremony.

An Post attacks the leadership

An Post has launched a stinging attack on the Cowen Government with the release of a new stamp commemorating Louis Braille.

Chairman of An Post, John Fitzgerald, who was appointed in the dying days of the Ahern era, said yesterday: ‘We already launched a Braille commemoration stamp in 2006 so strictly, there’s no need for another one. But the symbolism of the blind leading the blind was too great to pass over.’

‘Louis Braille was a unique example of a blind person leading the blind and making a success of it,’ he continued. ‘The Taoiseach is at the other end of that scale, and seems to be leading us into the ditch.’

Braille lost his sight at the age of three and from his early teenage years began developing the system of reading and writing for the blind and visually impaired that is used today.

Cowen – Lenihan rift continues

‘We live in an island and people will make their choices,’ Mr Cowen said yesterday. He was speaking about citizens of the Republic shopping in the North, a phenomenon that continues to undermine jobs in this jurisdiction. Insiders have interpreted this as a coded attack on Finance Minister Brian Lenihan, who referred to cross-border shopping as ‘unpatriotic.’

The two are said to be deeply divided on the economy. Mr Cowen has suggested that ‘something must be done to tackle the economic downturn’ while Mr Lenihan claimed this week on BBC’s Newsnight that Ireland has a ‘thriving’ economy.

The Government was to meet the social partners for talks on the proposed €2bn talks yesterday, but neither Mr Cowen nor any of his Ministers turned up. Instead, the talks, which featured no proposals, were chaired by Dermot McCarthy, secretary general to the Government. Mr David Begg was ‘surprised’ that there was ‘nothing very, very deep’ on the table.

Even insiders are unclear as to why crucial talks are being chaired in the absence of Government Ministers, and why the deadline for progress has been moved from this Tuesday to ‘the end of the month.’

Ireland to seek divorce

Ireland looks set to issue proceedings for a divorce from the Fianna Fail party, sources close to Ireland have said.

The two parties met in 1926 and were married in 1932. Over the course of their 77 year relationship both parties expressed mutual satisfaction with their arrangement on numerous occasions. FF has been happy at all times. Ireland’s fidelity however, did waver on at least five occasions, but these dalliances never seemed likely to lead to a permanent break. FF always turned a blind eye to them.

In recent months, however, the relationship has turned sour. Ireland has become abusive towards FF, openly disavows it, and claims that it wishes to begin a new relationship with another party at the earliest possible date. FF has become frightened and confused, and sometimes feels as though the past 77 years are about to be cast aside in a fit of blind anger.

Sources close to the applicant say that Ireland is seeking a comprehensive series of orders. The courts will have to decide whether adequate and reasonable provision can be made for a transfer of maintenance to the FG party, and whether it is ‘cogent and rational’ to direct FF to transfer its interest in Power to the FG party. FF has traditionally been against divorce on personal grounds and denies it is an unfit spouse. FF is demanding that before Ireland brings the action she enter reconciliation discussions and come to mediation as positively as possible.

Taoiseach to rezone Ireland

‘Rezoning brought tremendous wealth to a small amount of people in the 1980s. What we need to do is extend that now to a much wider base. Over the coming four months the Government is proposing its most radical plan to date. A month at a time, we are going to rezone Ireland, province by province. By the end of May, our citizens will be sitting on land whose value has not only doubled – bucking a world trend – but trebled, and in some cases quadrupled.’

‘If the plan is successful – and we are sure it will be – the proposed €2bn cut in State expenditure will not be necessary. FF has rezoned before with great success. Now it is time to rezone again. Seasaimis i dteannta a chéile.….’

Cithóg President

Supporters of Barack Obama around the world are in utter shock this evening, as photographs emerge of the new president signing off in his first orders of business – using his left hand.

‘Utterly betrayed’ was how one supporter put it. ‘This was not the kind of change I had in mind,’ said another.

Ahern nominated for Oscar

Former Taoiseach Bertie Ahern has been nominated in the Best Actor category for his performance as leader of the country over a period of nearly eleven years.

Though responsible for a major upset – Clint Eastwood failed to gain a nomination for his Gran Torino – Mr Ahern faces stiff competition from Brad Pitt & Sean Penn. Another politically related nomination is Frank Langella, for his portrayal of Richard Nixon in Nixon/Frost.

The Academy singled out Mr Ahern's interview with Brian Dobson in September 2007 for particular praise, as well as his delivery of the 'done no wrong and wronged no one' line during his resignation speech.

‘This is a great moment for Ireland,’ said Martin Mac Donagh, who was nominated in the Best Screenplay category. It is understood that Mr Ahern has been granted time off from the executives of Parker Green to attend the ceremony.

'Absolutely no need,’ insists Gormley

‘We don’t need the Greens,’ insisted Minister for the Environment John Gormley earlier today.

‘Mary Harney has retained the Ministry of Health despite the fact that her party voted itself out of existence. Indeed, she was instrumental in that decision. So, frankly, the Greens can resign as much as they want – we’re staying here.’

The statement was a reaction to the resignation of Councillors Chris O'Leary and Bronwen Maher.

Ms Maher, in an open letter to the party leader today, said that the Greens had betrayed their oringinal position on the Poolbeg incinerator, the M3 and Tara, the Shannon stop-over & the Corrib gas project.

She also criticised the failure to introduce a carbon levy, prevent the cut-backs in the Equality Authority & prevent the withdrawal of vaccines for women.

‘All we’re doing is implementing EU policy that would be implemented anyway,’ she said.

Obama to wear poignant aftershave

Barack Obama is to wear the favourite aftershave of his predecessor, Abraham Lincoln, when he delivers his inauguration address tomorrow, aides revealed.

The lotion, which has not been produced since 1887, has been prepared specially for the occasion by Proctor & Gamble, which owns the Old Spice label currently worn by Mr Obama.

Smart Government

Following the success of the Cabinet meeting which okayed the nationalisation of Anglo Irish Bank, a meeting which was led by the Taoiseach from Japan, the Government has decided to conduct all future business by telephone.

If the plan goes well, Mr Cowen plans to extend it to the Dail chamber.

‘Deputies have a heavy workload, particularly in these difficult economic times. The fact that they have to spend two and a half, sometimes three, days in Leinster House slows things down more than you can imagine. The move is also energy efficient, which is so important to our Coalition partners,’ the Taoiseach said. ‘The use of telephones will enable us to save petrol by remaining in our constituencies. Also, Leinster House is a fierce place to heat.'

Already there has been some opposition. Laois-Offaly constituency colleague and Minister of State in the Department of Health, John Maloney, believes there is something more to the new proposal.

‘I don’t want to sound disloyal or anything, but no-one knows what’s gone wrong with him,’ said Mr Maloney. ‘This is not the man we know.' Maloney fears that the Taoiseach may have in fact mirrored developments in the world economy by falling into a depression himself.

'He was never one for taking things lying down,' explained Mr Maloney. 'He’d never back off or allow people to say something like ‘he’s not up to it’. Now he’s lying down all the time, and slurring his words.'

Backbenchers fear that if the telephone plan is successful, as it undoubtedly was in Japan, Mr Cowen might cease making public appearances.

Minister John Gormley said: The Green party backs this measure all the way. We are on message with the Taoiseach and keenly look forward to implementing this radically new smart proposal. Telephones have served us well in the past, and they will serve us well in the future.'

Clear Blue Water

The first commandment enshrined in the Ethics in Public Office protocol is loyalty, Minister for Finance Brian Lenihan claimed today. ‘Loyalty to ones friends and donors is a core principal of the Fianna Fail party,’ he said.

The Minister agreed that giving oneself secret loans of €129m was ‘misconduct.’ He also admitted that the misconduct had caused ‘huge reputational damage’ to the bank.

‘But that’s all in the past now. We need to move on. We know from the Northern Ireland experience just how bitter things can get when mutual recriminations abound. As far as the Government is concerned the new, nationalised Anglo Irish Bank has clear blue water between itself and the misconduct that emerged in recent weeks. What’s past is past and I don’t want people harping on about it.’

The Minister asserted that there were no more skeletons in the Irish banking closet and vigorously denied that the past would come back to haunt the Government.

Minister for the Environment John Gormley said the decision had been taken in the national interest. ‘We back everything. Just give efficient light-bulbs the go-ahead and we’re yours,’ he said.

News round-up

Irish Times begins stealth advertising

The Irish Times let 30 staff go in December. Still feeling the pinch, Geraldine Kennedy has decided to allow advertising take the form of articles. This weekend, Miriam Lord reports on a Mediterranean cruise. She was a guest of the Travel Department.

(http://www.thetraveldepartment.ie/ , or call 01-6371600). Costs from €1,099 for eight nights.

Dunlop to be accountable for small beans

Former Government press officer Frank Dunlop faces to seven years in jail and/or a fine of €50,000. Among the 16 counts, Mr Dunlop has pleaded guilty to giving £3,000 to one former senator, £2,000 to one councillor and £1,000 to another.

‘The full rigour of the law must be brought to bear on these abuses,' said bank manager Sean FitzPatrick last November. Bertie Ahern too has called for full penalties: 'that's just the kind of guy I am.' Bishop of Cloyne John Magee has said he will offer up a novena for the disgraced press officer.

One door doesn't close, but another opens...

The Dublin Docklands Authority has said it will not be going ahead with Antony Gormley’s 46m steel sculpture of a human figure in the river Liffey because of the cost of the project (€1.6 million). Meanwhile, plans to turn ‘Kearney’s Gardens,’ the ancestral home of Barack Obama in Moneygall, into a heritage centre are going ahead.