Smart Government

Following the success of the Cabinet meeting which okayed the nationalisation of Anglo Irish Bank, a meeting which was led by the Taoiseach from Japan, the Government has decided to conduct all future business by telephone.

If the plan goes well, Mr Cowen plans to extend it to the Dail chamber.

‘Deputies have a heavy workload, particularly in these difficult economic times. The fact that they have to spend two and a half, sometimes three, days in Leinster House slows things down more than you can imagine. The move is also energy efficient, which is so important to our Coalition partners,’ the Taoiseach said. ‘The use of telephones will enable us to save petrol by remaining in our constituencies. Also, Leinster House is a fierce place to heat.'

Already there has been some opposition. Laois-Offaly constituency colleague and Minister of State in the Department of Health, John Maloney, believes there is something more to the new proposal.

‘I don’t want to sound disloyal or anything, but no-one knows what’s gone wrong with him,’ said Mr Maloney. ‘This is not the man we know.' Maloney fears that the Taoiseach may have in fact mirrored developments in the world economy by falling into a depression himself.

'He was never one for taking things lying down,' explained Mr Maloney. 'He’d never back off or allow people to say something like ‘he’s not up to it’. Now he’s lying down all the time, and slurring his words.'

Backbenchers fear that if the telephone plan is successful, as it undoubtedly was in Japan, Mr Cowen might cease making public appearances.

Minister John Gormley said: The Green party backs this measure all the way. We are on message with the Taoiseach and keenly look forward to implementing this radically new smart proposal. Telephones have served us well in the past, and they will serve us well in the future.'