Ireland to seek divorce

Ireland looks set to issue proceedings for a divorce from the Fianna Fail party, sources close to Ireland have said.

The two parties met in 1926 and were married in 1932. Over the course of their 77 year relationship both parties expressed mutual satisfaction with their arrangement on numerous occasions. FF has been happy at all times. Ireland’s fidelity however, did waver on at least five occasions, but these dalliances never seemed likely to lead to a permanent break. FF always turned a blind eye to them.

In recent months, however, the relationship has turned sour. Ireland has become abusive towards FF, openly disavows it, and claims that it wishes to begin a new relationship with another party at the earliest possible date. FF has become frightened and confused, and sometimes feels as though the past 77 years are about to be cast aside in a fit of blind anger.

Sources close to the applicant say that Ireland is seeking a comprehensive series of orders. The courts will have to decide whether adequate and reasonable provision can be made for a transfer of maintenance to the FG party, and whether it is ‘cogent and rational’ to direct FF to transfer its interest in Power to the FG party. FF has traditionally been against divorce on personal grounds and denies it is an unfit spouse. FF is demanding that before Ireland brings the action she enter reconciliation discussions and come to mediation as positively as possible.

Taoiseach to rezone Ireland

‘Rezoning brought tremendous wealth to a small amount of people in the 1980s. What we need to do is extend that now to a much wider base. Over the coming four months the Government is proposing its most radical plan to date. A month at a time, we are going to rezone Ireland, province by province. By the end of May, our citizens will be sitting on land whose value has not only doubled – bucking a world trend – but trebled, and in some cases quadrupled.’

‘If the plan is successful – and we are sure it will be – the proposed €2bn cut in State expenditure will not be necessary. FF has rezoned before with great success. Now it is time to rezone again. Seasaimis i dteannta a chéile.….’

Government to bail itself out

In a spectacular turn around Taoiseach Brian Cowen has sided with public opinion on the over-70s medical card issue.

‘I am now convinced there should be an automatic entitlement to everything,’ he said earlier today.

‘We are a country that needed to borrow €12 billion to enable us to live within our means. And yet we were able, as a Government, to guarantee bank assets to the tune of €485b. It didn’t seem to add up. So I said to Brian [Lenihan], why don’t we bail ourselves out? Initially taken aback, within minutes he was on board. It is a bold idea, one that will cause ripples with our European partners, but it is no bolder, and no more improbable that the banks’ bail-out.’

‘I want to be clear on this: Tuesday’s Budget is now cancelled in its entirety. The 1% income levy on gross incomes up to €100,000 and all the wealth taxes. The 8% increase in tax on the litre of petrol. The €200 charge on all non-principal private residences. And, of course, the means test for the over-70s medical card. The status quo ante Tuesday returns.’

‘Secondly I want to announce that the 2007 Programme for Government targets will nonetheless be reached. We will continue to roll out infrastructure nationwide, deliver a fully modern, patient-centred health service, maintain our troops in Camp Ciara in Chad, and we will even, can I add, continue our efforts to cut carbon emissions and implement a 40% use of renewable energy in all state bodies by 2020.’

‘No Government in our history has attempted such a measure. But these are difficult times, and tough times are bad enough without me asking you to make sacrifices.’

Could we set up a process?

Besieged from all sides, Taoiseach Brian Cowen uttered a passionate, visionary cry on RTÉ's This Week radio programme this afternoon.

‘The present proposal as we enunciated it clearly is not ultimately the proposal that will be decided upon because it does not merit or have the wider public acceptance that it would need to have and I'm addressing those concerns and I think that those that have concerns can be assured of that,’ Mr Cowen said.