Ireland to seek divorce

Ireland looks set to issue proceedings for a divorce from the Fianna Fail party, sources close to Ireland have said.

The two parties met in 1926 and were married in 1932. Over the course of their 77 year relationship both parties expressed mutual satisfaction with their arrangement on numerous occasions. FF has been happy at all times. Ireland’s fidelity however, did waver on at least five occasions, but these dalliances never seemed likely to lead to a permanent break. FF always turned a blind eye to them.

In recent months, however, the relationship has turned sour. Ireland has become abusive towards FF, openly disavows it, and claims that it wishes to begin a new relationship with another party at the earliest possible date. FF has become frightened and confused, and sometimes feels as though the past 77 years are about to be cast aside in a fit of blind anger.

Sources close to the applicant say that Ireland is seeking a comprehensive series of orders. The courts will have to decide whether adequate and reasonable provision can be made for a transfer of maintenance to the FG party, and whether it is ‘cogent and rational’ to direct FF to transfer its interest in Power to the FG party. FF has traditionally been against divorce on personal grounds and denies it is an unfit spouse. FF is demanding that before Ireland brings the action she enter reconciliation discussions and come to mediation as positively as possible.

Obama to snub Ireland this weekend

American celebrity Barack Obama is scheduled to snub Ireland on Monday, if not this weekend, by flying back to the United States directly from London.

Obama has been granted an audience with French President Sarkozy today, after which he travels to London for talks with Gordon Brown. The Illinois Senator refused to countenance the one hour flight from London to Dublin, although top aides impressed on him Ireland’s political and economic clout.

Rumours circulated that Obama feared his vague stance on chlorinated chickens would earn him the ire of Irish poultry farmers. The EU has banned poultry imports from the U.S for the past 11 years because the Americans refuse to stop chlorinating their birds.

Cowen asks children to wear hijab in schools

In a bid to make FF the party of choice for Irish Muslims, Taoiseach Brian Cowen has requested his own children to wear the hijab when the school term begins again, on August 26th.

FF has already gone a long way to convince Poles resident in the country that the Republican Party has their best interests at heart, with Micheal Martin eating borst on St Patrick’s day, and the FF website featuring a Polish language option. The genitive case of Bertie Ahern appears to be Bertiego Aherna.

Fr Sean Healy of CORI has said the move ‘falls far short of what is desired and will do nothing to alleviate the plight of the working poor.’