Obama’s Ageism

Barack Obama has refused to support Ireland’s Positive Ageing Week, fearful that his remarks could be seen as an endorsement for the McCain campaign.

The revelation came when Taoiseach Brian Cowen, in New York to address a high-level UN summit in New York, asked the Illinois Senator for ‘a supportive comment, a soundbite, just something to raise the Week’s profile.’

‘We were quite taken aback,’ said Lorraine Dorgan, deputy chief executive of Age Action.

Positive Ageing Week began on Friday and will continue until 4 October.

Palin comparison

Erection loss in the Obama camp has further invigorated the Republican ticket and increased Democratic nerves.

Mr Obama got his first lazy erection eight days ago, two days after the St Paul Convention. Since then pollsters say a marked fall-off in support has been noticeable. Youth and energy, both Obama trademarks two months ago, are now used to describe Sarah Palin.

Erectile dysfunction is commonly linked to notions of power, success and masculinity – attributes both sexes tend to support in leadership contests. The Change candidate’s inability to maintain an erection has turned blue-collar, Reagan Democrats away.

‘This just came out of left field,’ said Craig Schirmer, the Obama state director. ‘There were no problems before September. I think that was clear from the way he walked. But there's 51 days to go, so no, we're not worried. He'll get it back.’

The problem has dogged Democrats in the past, making the Kerry and Gore, not to mention Carter and Mondale campaigns a misery for Democrats.

Obama to star in Gatsby remake

A scripted exchange due to take place at the Republican Convention has been leaked. The following dialogue will take place between John McCain and Sarah Palin in St Paul on Thursday:

‘I’ve made a small investigation of this fellow,’ says Mc Cain.
‘What?’
‘I said I’ve made a small investigation of Obama’s past.’
‘And you found he was an Oxford man,’ says Palin helpfully.
‘An Oxford man! McCain is incredulous. ‘Like hell he is! He wears a pink suit. Oxford, New Mexico more like it.’

The exchange will be followed by a three minute montage that compares Mr Obama to Jay Gatsby.

Obama to snub Ireland this weekend

American celebrity Barack Obama is scheduled to snub Ireland on Monday, if not this weekend, by flying back to the United States directly from London.

Obama has been granted an audience with French President Sarkozy today, after which he travels to London for talks with Gordon Brown. The Illinois Senator refused to countenance the one hour flight from London to Dublin, although top aides impressed on him Ireland’s political and economic clout.

Rumours circulated that Obama feared his vague stance on chlorinated chickens would earn him the ire of Irish poultry farmers. The EU has banned poultry imports from the U.S for the past 11 years because the Americans refuse to stop chlorinating their birds.

Obama pledges more alliteration in War on Poverty

Tiergarten park, Berlin – Democratic nominee Barack Obama pledged more hope and handshaking, lovingkindness and leaflets for America’s poor if elected to office this November.

‘My heart is glad, and my flesh rests in hope,’ America’s premier orator told Berliners. ‘The sorrows of the poor shall be multiplied no more.’

Mr Obama continued: ‘It is an ineludible truth that the defeat of inertia is inestimable.’

If elected president, he could assure his fellow Americans, together with the people of the world, that his administration would feature ‘less provocation and more proximation, fewer promises and more profusion, profundity, progress and peace.’

These last remarks have led some supporters to hail Mr Obama as the first presidential candidate to lauch a War on War.

Mr Obama was speaking in front of the attractive Siegessaeule, or Victory Column, a 70 meter high monument that celebrates Prussia’s speedy obliteration of the Danish, Austrian and French armies between 1864 and 1870.