West rebukes Chinese Premier

Western leaders have reacted badly to a Chinese proposal on climate change. Premier Wen Jiatao yesterday called on rich countries to abandon their ‘unsustainable lifestyle’ and help poor nations who bear the brunt of Western energy abuses.

An angry missive was penned just minutes after Mr Jintao’s remarks. Bank ki-Moon, Nicholas Sarkozy and Speaker Nancy Pelosi drafted the note, which has been signed by over fourteen rich nations, including all G8 members.

‘China doesn’t tell us what to do,’ the note begins. ‘Hey Jintao, since when did the East become the moral conscience of the world? Where was China during Srebrenica? Or when the Hutus massacred the Tutsis? Or when Serbia needed bombing? Who came up with Kyoto? Or the idea of halving poverty and disease everywhere by 2015? Sure we’ve had our faults in the past. But by-gones, Jintao. Let's turn our eyes instead to the recent past. In the last ten years China has become one of the biggest emitters of carbon dioxide in the world...’

Mr Jintao suggested that wealthy nations divert 1% of their economic worth to paying for clean technology transfers and helping the Third World overcome damage from the rising temperatures.

This Chinese obduracy recalls a ten day environment conference held in Stockholm in 1972. The 120 nations were having difficulty getting a final declaration and China was blamed for having issued two unreasonable demands. Firstly, it wanted the United States and the Soviet Union to admit they bore the largest part of guilt for the destruction of the environment in the Third World, and secondly, the Vietnam conflict, which the Americans didn’t want to talk about, should be discussed. Mao was never strong on diplomacy.

EU Supremo Nicholas Sarkozy told a press conference in Paris: '1%?! Has no one told him some of us already give 0.7% of our GDP for pete’s sake? Do you think we can afford some quixotic chinoiserie at a time like this?'

Then Mr Sarkozy addressed the Chinese Premier directly:

‘You’ve had your Olympics Jintao, and you’d better learn there’s a time to keep your mouth shut.’

War on Climate Change in jeopardy

France, Germany and Austria are seeking to downsize ambitions to reduce consumption of fossil fuels and curb carbon dioxide emissions.

‘They’re doing this in the name of caution, but we are surrounded by a deadly web of climate change that will lead to droughts, floods and rising sea levels if not checked immediately,’ said Luxembourg lawmaker Claude Turmes.

A failure to tackle climate change head on will result in a ‘bottomless pit,’ according to John Gibbons of climatechange.ie. ‘And out of the pit will arise smoke, like the smoke of a great furnace; and the sun and the air will be darkened by reason of the smoke from the pit. And out of the smoke will come locusts, and unto them will be given power. And in those days men shall seek death, and shall not find it.’

The European Union had planned to cut carbon dioxide emissions by a fifth by 2020.

Eastern European states, still economically far behind their western counterparts, have been reluctant to put the breaks on their expansion. If they do not, France, Germany, Austria and others fear they will look like schnooks by adhering to the rules.

Minister for the Environment John Gormley, who today launched a consultation paper on removing inefficient light bulbs from the Irish market, is critical of France, Germany, Austria.

‘The world is a lot like a light bulb,’ he said. ‘It can be switched on as well as off. It can be efficient as well as inefficient.’

Since becoming Party leader, Mr Gormley has toured the country advocating a remission of carbon sins, encouraging penitent travellers to contribute money to offset their carbon credits. To this aim, he has composed a charming ditty:

‘As soon as a coin in the coffer rings
your carbon footprint from purgatory springs.’

Next year Mr Gormley is to announce a jubilee indulgence, with all proceeds going to the construction of wind turbines, the funding of low-energy lightbulbs, the development of low-energy electricity and the cultivation of sustainable vegetables.

In the face of pressure from other EU states the Minister for the Environment has pledged to jealously guard Ireland's carbon neutrality.