Lenihan finds way out

The Government has found a way out of the current economic crises. It has lodged a compensation claim with the British Government for €330 billion.

This follows the Italian agreement to pay Libya €2.5 billion compensation for its thirty year occupation of the North African nation. ‘It is a material and emotional recognition of the mistakes that our country has done to yours during the colonial era,’ Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi told Muammar Gadafy.

‘When Brian heard this he had something of a Eureka moment,’ said Enterprise Minister Micheál Martin.

The sum has been calculated by the Department Finance and is seen as a generous understatement of our case.

‘We know Britain isn’t exactly teeming with money at the moment,’ said Mr Lenihan last night. ‘But the Libyan case sets a precedent and we’re willing to take this to Strasbourg. We have multiplied the sum in recognition of the longer period of occupation suffered by this country but we are only asking the British Government to compensate for four hundred years of oppression as opposed to the traditional eight.’

Jihad UK

A leaked memo from the Home Office has Britons gripped with fresh fears of a terrorist attack. The document, entitled Responding to Economic Challenges, envisages the following scenario:

If the economic situation grows worse then the public might grow hostile to migrants. If this occurs, radical Islamist groups could be in a better position to recruit than they currently are. If they are successful British Muslims could carry out attacks in major British cities.

British finance minister Alistair Darling stoked the fire with another conditional sentence: 'the current slump could be the worst for 60 years,' he said yesterday.