The Day in Photos

Terrorists? she said. You should check upstairs. And by the way guys, you're doing a great job here. Can I just say that?

Marv and Dave just weren't sure what to make of these people any more.




‘The superglued dentures smile. Works every time,’ thought Mc Cain.




‘One clap and he winks. Two claps and he invades Iraq. Let’s crank it up,’ thought Dick Cheney. ‘Let’s see what happens with three claps.’



Initially, it had been the kiss of life for the McCain campaign.




'Don’t get me started on Air Force One. I'm going bring so much change with that baby.'

With that, the Illinois Senator made a whoosing noise to illustrate the speed and sound of change.



Designer Natasha Glazkova embraces burka chic, empowering women in the process.




The Celtic Tiger awoke, startled. Three months had passed since it could remember anything. Where am I? it thought.

Government to bail itself out

In a spectacular turn around Taoiseach Brian Cowen has sided with public opinion on the over-70s medical card issue.

‘I am now convinced there should be an automatic entitlement to everything,’ he said earlier today.

‘We are a country that needed to borrow €12 billion to enable us to live within our means. And yet we were able, as a Government, to guarantee bank assets to the tune of €485b. It didn’t seem to add up. So I said to Brian [Lenihan], why don’t we bail ourselves out? Initially taken aback, within minutes he was on board. It is a bold idea, one that will cause ripples with our European partners, but it is no bolder, and no more improbable that the banks’ bail-out.’

‘I want to be clear on this: Tuesday’s Budget is now cancelled in its entirety. The 1% income levy on gross incomes up to €100,000 and all the wealth taxes. The 8% increase in tax on the litre of petrol. The €200 charge on all non-principal private residences. And, of course, the means test for the over-70s medical card. The status quo ante Tuesday returns.’

‘Secondly I want to announce that the 2007 Programme for Government targets will nonetheless be reached. We will continue to roll out infrastructure nationwide, deliver a fully modern, patient-centred health service, maintain our troops in Camp Ciara in Chad, and we will even, can I add, continue our efforts to cut carbon emissions and implement a 40% use of renewable energy in all state bodies by 2020.’

‘No Government in our history has attempted such a measure. But these are difficult times, and tough times are bad enough without me asking you to make sacrifices.’

Jörg Haider, dead at 58

The death of Jörg Haider occurred in the early hours of last Saturday morning. He was driving at 142kmh with four times the legal limit of alcohol in his system.

Mr. Haider was a populist comedian known for his strong anti-immigrant and anti-European Union stances. He was notorious for a series of outrageous stand-up routines, which included seemingly positive riffs on the Waffen-SS and the employment policies of the Nazi government.

‘He was more controversial than any other, but also one of the most comedically talented individuals in the country’s history,’ said Thomas Hofer, an independent political consultant in Vienna.

Mr. Haider’s death has led to an outpouring of emotion hardly ever seen in Austria, compared by some observers to the swell of mourning in Britain after Princess Diana’s death in 1997.

Gerhard Dörfler, a fellow comedian working the circuit in Carinthia, said, “The sun has fallen from the sky.”

Mr. Emmerich Tálos, professor of political science at the University of Vienna, said that Mr. Haider’s legacy would be the way that he brought the right wing back into the mainstream of Austrian comedy, from a position of weakness in the 1970s and early 1980s.

'He embodied the spirit of mischief,' he said.

Rifle seized by Americans in Iraq

After months of talks, US and Iraqi officials had reached agreement on a pact that would require US forces to withdraw from Iraq by 2011. But all this could now change with the discovery of a rifle (pictured above) in Mosul, 390 km north of Baghdad.

US Defence Secretary Robert Gates is considering a draft deal with Iraq that would provide a new legal basis to keep American forces there after a UN mandate expires on December 31st, the Pentagon has said.

The rifle ‘goes a long way to showing that the threat to the United States is far from neutralised,’ Lt. Gen. David Petraeus told the Senate Armed Services Committee today. The situation in Iraq is still dire,’ he said.

Could we set up a process?

Besieged from all sides, Taoiseach Brian Cowen uttered a passionate, visionary cry on RTÉ's This Week radio programme this afternoon.

‘The present proposal as we enunciated it clearly is not ultimately the proposal that will be decided upon because it does not merit or have the wider public acceptance that it would need to have and I'm addressing those concerns and I think that those that have concerns can be assured of that,’ Mr Cowen said.

Heart-attack on the hustings

Presidential hopeful John McCain has shocked the Obama camp by performing a heart-attack on the hustings.

‘They make out that I’m an old timer ready to pop his clogs. They say Sarah is just a heart-beat away from the Presidency. Well I can tell you, that really is –'

At this point Mr McCain broke off, apparently having a seizure. He gripped his chest as the assembley held its breath, but a moment later he sprang back to full animation shouting repeatedly ‘fooled ya’ and laughing uproariously.

The audience went wild.

‘This guy here’s a funny. Obamer smiles a lot, but what’s he smiling at? I haven’t heard him do any jokes. This here McCain has a sense of humour.’

The stunt has done much to reduce Mr Obama’s four point lead, which has all but vanished as the McCain clip spread across news stations in America.

Obama's recession

‘What recession?’ said Barack Obama.

The Illinois Senator raised $66 million in August. More than one-third of the total $458 million raised by his campaign has come from supporters who donated $200 or less.

Justice in Ribbons

Mr Justice Adrian Hardiman has said the 2008 – 2009 term should see the Supreme Court striving to be ‘even more conservative.’

‘It’s easy to hark back to the glory days of Nicolaou and Norris, but we shouldn’t forget recent decisions like Osayande, TD, O’ Donnell v South Dublin County Council, Kavanagh v Govenor of Mountjoy Prison and of course, the Sinnott case.’

‘There are still plenty of areas to be conservative in. Anything to do with the allocation of resources and straight off alarm bells are ringing. We’ve shown we can stand up to the unenumerated rights lobby. We’ve shown that we can reverse liberal decisions in favour of Travellers and that we frown upon transexuals seeking to change their birth register. With regard to homosexuals, if they think DeValera meant them when he said ‘the marital family’ then they’ve got another think coming.’

Mr Justice Hardiman is credited with the maxim: ‘a Supreme Court must always keep the floodgates in mind.’

The majority of the Irish Supreme Court admires their counterparts in the United States.

‘They have increased their workload incredibly this year, hearing the usual two cases in the morning, but then returning for a third after lunch,’ said Hardiman J.

Last year the court decided the fewest cases since the 1953-54 term, but there was an emphasis on quality rather than quantity.

Its most notable decision was the overturning of the District of Columbia’s handgun ban. The court interpreted the Second Amendment to mean that everyone had the right to cherish a gun; membership of a militia was not necessary.

The court also voted 7 to 2 that the Protect Act 2003, which makes it a crime to offer child pornography, regardless of whether the depictions are of real children or computer-generated images, could be squared with the First Amendment. In both of these cases Justice Scalia wrote the majority opinion.

In another stark decision, punitive damages against Exxon Mobil for damage caused by a supertanker oil spill in 1989 were reduced from $2.5 billion to $500 million.

There were further decisions on the humane administration of the death penalty and reduction of the right of Mexicans on death row to be granted new hearings.

The court’s liberal wing scored a victory when a majority decided against the death penalty as the punishment for raping young girls. Justice Kennedy wrote that death was ‘a disproportionate penalty for even so devastating a crime when the death of the victim did not result.’ Predictably, Justices Alito, Scalia, Thomas and Chief Justice Roberts didn’t agree, but they took it on the chin.

Mr Justice Hardiman hopes to see the Supreme Court bench embellished in the furture by the presence of Mary McAleese, who has just received a higher diploma in canon law from the Milltown Institute, and Mr Michael McDowell. ‘Michael deserves to be catapulted like I was,’ the judge said.

Ireland has the fewest number of judges per 100,000 population and spends less on its court system relative to national wealth than any other state in the 47 member states of the Council of Europe, according to the Commission for the Efficiency of Justice. Unsurpringly for a country whose Taoiseach receives a higher salary than the President of the United States, Ireland’s judges are among the best paid in Europe, earning seven times the average wage.

Ireland scores very well in its provision for legal aid.

War on Climate Change in jeopardy

France, Germany and Austria are seeking to downsize ambitions to reduce consumption of fossil fuels and curb carbon dioxide emissions.

‘They’re doing this in the name of caution, but we are surrounded by a deadly web of climate change that will lead to droughts, floods and rising sea levels if not checked immediately,’ said Luxembourg lawmaker Claude Turmes.

A failure to tackle climate change head on will result in a ‘bottomless pit,’ according to John Gibbons of climatechange.ie. ‘And out of the pit will arise smoke, like the smoke of a great furnace; and the sun and the air will be darkened by reason of the smoke from the pit. And out of the smoke will come locusts, and unto them will be given power. And in those days men shall seek death, and shall not find it.’

The European Union had planned to cut carbon dioxide emissions by a fifth by 2020.

Eastern European states, still economically far behind their western counterparts, have been reluctant to put the breaks on their expansion. If they do not, France, Germany, Austria and others fear they will look like schnooks by adhering to the rules.

Minister for the Environment John Gormley, who today launched a consultation paper on removing inefficient light bulbs from the Irish market, is critical of France, Germany, Austria.

‘The world is a lot like a light bulb,’ he said. ‘It can be switched on as well as off. It can be efficient as well as inefficient.’

Since becoming Party leader, Mr Gormley has toured the country advocating a remission of carbon sins, encouraging penitent travellers to contribute money to offset their carbon credits. To this aim, he has composed a charming ditty:

‘As soon as a coin in the coffer rings
your carbon footprint from purgatory springs.’

Next year Mr Gormley is to announce a jubilee indulgence, with all proceeds going to the construction of wind turbines, the funding of low-energy lightbulbs, the development of low-energy electricity and the cultivation of sustainable vegetables.

In the face of pressure from other EU states the Minister for the Environment has pledged to jealously guard Ireland's carbon neutrality.

Ahti-sorry

Finland's former president Ahtisaari has beaten contenders, among whom was former Taoiseach Bertie Ahern, for the Nobel Peace Prize.

An Iar-Taoiseach had made the short-list. ‘I feel like Sebastian Barry,’ he said.

The Norwegian Nobel Committee felt that Mr Ahtisaari’s peace credentials were worthier than Mr Ahern’s because he had been longer in the peace game and had covered more ground. The Committee awarded the 71 year old man the $1.4 million prize ‘for his important efforts, on several continents and over more than three decades, to resolve international conflicts.’

‘Martti is only man I know who has made peace on three continents’ said former U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan. ‘He also makes one heck of a potato and white bean ragout.’

Mr Ahtisaari brought some serious peace to Indonesia’s tricky Aceh province in 2005, and until March last year he dialogued with Serbs, Albanians and Kosovars, bringing them to the brink of an agreement on semi-autonomous, ethnically sensitive waste management facilities.

Nobel committee chairman Ole Danbolt Mjoes took the unusual step of doing down Mr Ahern’s pretentions to the prize. ‘In 1989-90 Ahtisaari was helping Namibia become independent. What was Ahern doing then? He was Minister for Labour, playing second fiddle to MacSharry and Reynolds. What was he negotiating? Haughey into power with the PDs. There’s no comparison.’

Mr Ahern has vowed that either he or his daughter Cecilia will one day win a Nobel prize.

Democrat blames Republican

An 84-year-old Democrat today blamed a 62-year-old Republican for ‘everything.’

Former President Jimmy Carter cited the ‘atrocious economic policies’ and ‘profligate spending’ of George W Bush as the cause of the current financial crisis.

Endorsing Mr Obama, Mr Carter made no mention of his own record in the White House from 1977-1981.

President Carter was seen as a poor leader by Helmut Schmidt and Valery Giscard d’Estaing, and Denis Healey, chancellor of the exchequer in the Callaghan government (1976 – 1979), called Carter ‘a moral puritan and an economic profligate.’ These criticisms were not recalled by the former President, who was formidable at winning primaries.

Life after office has been kind to Mr Carter, as it has so far to former British Prime Minister Tony Blair, Peace Envoy to the Middle East, who has recently begun teaching a course on faith and globalisation at Yale University.

It is rumoured that following his retirement next January President Bush hopes to lecture part-time in Havard on modern Argentinian literature. A position as UN Representative for Sustainable Economics has also been mooted.

Liquiditas

The Government’s guarantee scheme is to be extended to foreign-owned banking groups with ‘significant’ operations in the State, the Minister for Finance Brian Lenihan said today.

In a statement the Minister said Ulster Bank and First Active; Halifax Bank of Scotland (Ireland), IIB Bank, owned by Belgium's KBC; and Postbank, a joint venture between Belgian-based Fortis and the Irish post office; would be eligible for the scheme.

The Minister for Finance said the scheme was being extended ‘to certain banking subsidiaries in Ireland with a significant and broadbased footprint in the domestic economy.’

Taoiseach Brian Cowen has threatened Irish consumers that if confidence in global financial institutions is not restored by Monday the Government will continue to nationalise institutions. Insurance companies, public houses and ailing restaurants will be the next businesses to avail of the guarantee.

The Taoiseach has warned he will not tolerate any abuse of the Government’s bail-out scheme.

By including the foreign-owned banks the State is increasing its potential liabilities under the scheme by approximately 10 per cent to €440 billion. As the Budget deficit amounts to €9 million, the scheme has raised concerns regarding the ability of the State to shoulder the guarantee.

‘We don’t have the money ourselves,’ said the Minister, ‘but our credit’s good.’

Hadith with them

This afternoon saw share prices again fall sharply on the trading floors of the New York Stock Market.

‘But it’s an ill wind that blows no good,’ said Taliban leader, Mullah Muhammad Omar.

Addressing followers during the holy day of Id al-Fitr, which marks the end of Ramadan, Mr Omar told followers that the heroin trade was booming once more, a business that sends $100 million a year into the Taliban’s coffers. This should speed up decentralisation by destabilising the Kabul administration and giving power back to local warlords.

The Afghan warlords and drug barons have stressed the importance of education. Significant sums have been pledged for local madrasas which have tirelessly fought against underfunding to promote the rote learning of sacred texts, as well as the study of Islamic jurisprudence, Islamic history, Islamic home economics and Islamic maths.

It is hoped to further increase funding to this area, to provide for children with Islamic learning disorders and give pupils the option of exchange programmes to Indonesia and Pakistan. By 2012 Mr Omar hopes to introduce universal free circumcision for girls, which ‘helps stabilize their libido.’

United States intelligence has been frustrated by the ‘rampant corruption’ of its puppet government, led by Hamid Karzai, since it was first brought to power in December 2001.

The poppy trade counts for at least 50% of Afghanistan’s economy.

Coalition of the Willing to hit Ireland

In a last ditch attempt to win the War on Terror President Bush has deployed troops to the West of Ireland.

After unsuccessful action in the Tora Bora mountains and Iraq, United States Counter Intelligence has lead the War on Terror to the Aillwee Caves.

The President pledged seven years ago to smoke terrorists out of their caves.

There is more than a kilometre of interconnected passages underneath the karst landscape of the Burren, the perfect hinding place for ‘the focus of evil in the modern world,’ according to Secretary of Defence Donald Rumsfeld.

Ireland could be called, according to Pennsylvania Avenue, ‘if not a rogue state, then a state with a significant soft spot for rogues.’

According to the New York Times, unbeknownst to the Irish Government, ‘Bin Laden had flown in dozens of bulldozers and other pieces of heavy equipment from his father’s construction empire, the Saudi Binladin Group, one of the most prosperous construction companies in Saudi Arabia.’

U.S Intelligence has hypothesised the existence of miles of tunnels, bunkers and base camps under the Burren, which feature a ventilation and a power system created by a series of hydroelectric generators. The Department of Communications, Energy and Natural Resources was stunned to learn that this underground network has even got broadband. An estimated 1,500 to 2,000 well-trained, well-armed men could be hiding out there now, eating olives, sipping sugary mint tea, dressed in their camouflage jackets and shooting tin cans with Kalashnikovs.

For a number of years now, terrorists have been elaborating secret plans to attack and conquer America, using systems so sophisticated they are undetectable.

United States Counter Intelligence is to investigate with ‘rigour and determination’ anything that might conceal chemical weapons. Stalagtites and stalagmites, in which the Aillwee caves abound, are to come in for particular examination.

‘I like Irish people,’ said President Bush. ‘Especially their mania for finding roots in United States presidential candidates. That’s a hoot. But if they have allowed a deadly web of terror to take hold, I can assure them…’ he said, breaking off his speech to wag his finger.

Terrorists may have gained access at the ticket office. Entrance for adults costs €15, a paltry sum for Bin Ladin, even if he paid for all of his fellow-terrorists.

The news has come as ‘something of a shock’ to Taoiseach Brian Cowen, but he has conceeded that ‘in the interests of the world economy’ a short, successful military intervention is needed somewhere. After assurances from President Bush that the invasion would not violate Ireland’s neutrality Minister for Community, Rural and Gaeltacht Affairs Eamon O Cuiv merely shrugged his head and called it ‘a regretable, but necessary step.’

The President expects the move to shore up confidence in the international banking system. A $700 billion bailout plan in the U.S has yet to fully reassure traders, retailers, corporations and the little man that last week’s crisis is behind us.

‘What America needs now is a small-scale terrorist attack to distract us, to unite us, to give us back our confidence,’ said President Bush last week.

‘Confidence is low,’ he said yesterday. ‘Let’s blow it up again.’