Coalition of the Willing to hit Ireland

In a last ditch attempt to win the War on Terror President Bush has deployed troops to the West of Ireland.

After unsuccessful action in the Tora Bora mountains and Iraq, United States Counter Intelligence has lead the War on Terror to the Aillwee Caves.

The President pledged seven years ago to smoke terrorists out of their caves.

There is more than a kilometre of interconnected passages underneath the karst landscape of the Burren, the perfect hinding place for ‘the focus of evil in the modern world,’ according to Secretary of Defence Donald Rumsfeld.

Ireland could be called, according to Pennsylvania Avenue, ‘if not a rogue state, then a state with a significant soft spot for rogues.’

According to the New York Times, unbeknownst to the Irish Government, ‘Bin Laden had flown in dozens of bulldozers and other pieces of heavy equipment from his father’s construction empire, the Saudi Binladin Group, one of the most prosperous construction companies in Saudi Arabia.’

U.S Intelligence has hypothesised the existence of miles of tunnels, bunkers and base camps under the Burren, which feature a ventilation and a power system created by a series of hydroelectric generators. The Department of Communications, Energy and Natural Resources was stunned to learn that this underground network has even got broadband. An estimated 1,500 to 2,000 well-trained, well-armed men could be hiding out there now, eating olives, sipping sugary mint tea, dressed in their camouflage jackets and shooting tin cans with Kalashnikovs.

For a number of years now, terrorists have been elaborating secret plans to attack and conquer America, using systems so sophisticated they are undetectable.

United States Counter Intelligence is to investigate with ‘rigour and determination’ anything that might conceal chemical weapons. Stalagtites and stalagmites, in which the Aillwee caves abound, are to come in for particular examination.

‘I like Irish people,’ said President Bush. ‘Especially their mania for finding roots in United States presidential candidates. That’s a hoot. But if they have allowed a deadly web of terror to take hold, I can assure them…’ he said, breaking off his speech to wag his finger.

Terrorists may have gained access at the ticket office. Entrance for adults costs €15, a paltry sum for Bin Ladin, even if he paid for all of his fellow-terrorists.

The news has come as ‘something of a shock’ to Taoiseach Brian Cowen, but he has conceeded that ‘in the interests of the world economy’ a short, successful military intervention is needed somewhere. After assurances from President Bush that the invasion would not violate Ireland’s neutrality Minister for Community, Rural and Gaeltacht Affairs Eamon O Cuiv merely shrugged his head and called it ‘a regretable, but necessary step.’

The President expects the move to shore up confidence in the international banking system. A $700 billion bailout plan in the U.S has yet to fully reassure traders, retailers, corporations and the little man that last week’s crisis is behind us.

‘What America needs now is a small-scale terrorist attack to distract us, to unite us, to give us back our confidence,’ said President Bush last week.

‘Confidence is low,’ he said yesterday. ‘Let’s blow it up again.’