Two lost souls swimming in a Fischer Boel

‘Worried Irish farmers will soon be a thing of the past,’ the Minister for Agriculture Brendan Smith has announced.

Mr Smith is attending the WTO negotiations in Geneva with the Tánaiste, Mary Coughlan. This fresh attempt at a compromise between free-trade and protectionism has sparked high levels of anxiety from the IFA and their constituents.

Speaking at length this morning the Minister for Agriculture admitted that farmers would have to go. ‘There’s just no need for them anymore. Their way of life and the things they produce...they’ve become like travellers.’

‘It always made sense to import products we didn’t produce at home,’ he continued. ‘Oranges, bananas, tea, corn on the cob and so on. The globalised economy now means that it also makes economic sense to import things we can produce in Ireland. And when a product is cheaper, the consumer – ie the Irish people – wins.

Brazilian beef is only the beginning. Look out for mushrooms from Macedonia, tinned salmon from Senegal, basil from Israel, strawberries from St Domingo, lettuce from Latvia, and then a host of products from India, things like cooking oil, jam and mayonaise.

I would urge people not to get too sentimental. The reality is that Dev’s Ireland was long gone before they started brewing Guinness in Nigeria.

And what are the benefits for us? Well I’ve mentioned the consumer point. Now think about the environment. The synthetic nitrogen fertilizers and pesticides that farmers use will be a thing of the past. So too will soil degradation and erosion. The fashionable vision of farmers is that they will be care-takers of the earth, leaning on gates, gazing at empty fields, trimming the hedges along the boreens.

Most of them have off-farm jobs as it is. We are going to push for an increase of this. There are plenty of jobs out there in pharmaceutical factories, recruitment companies, financial services and, when the economy bounces back, the construction industry. If that’s not for you, why not do promotional work for the drinks industry, teach English as a foreign language or open a call centre? All these options are open to farmers.

Cattle are inefficient use of land. You’d be better off starting a pitch and putt course.’

In an unrelated speech, EU Commissioner Mariann Fischer Boel reassured European consumers about the EU’s stance on peak oil: ‘Yes the world is facing significant problems with regard to resources at the moment. But solutions are on the way. By 2070 human population will have increased by three billion – it is inconceivable that none of them will have fresh ideas for a way forward.’