Farewell to Dáil Eireann

In an audacious move Tánaiste Ms. Mary Coughlan has committed to a deal that will see the Dáil renamed ‘the Vodafone.’

This follows hot on the heels of two more rebrandings that could see this kind of arrangement become the norm.

Shea Stadium, home to the New York Mets, is to be demolished this September. Citigroup (the world’s largest company, with assets of $2.2 trillion) has agreed to finance its replacement – in return for which the ballpark will be renamed Citifield.

Closer to home, Dublin’s Point Theatre is to be rechristened ‘the O2.’

Ms. Coughlan, who became Minister for Enterprise, Trade and Employment on May 7th, wanted to be pro-active about the recession. Her promotion to Tánaiste gave her the confidence to enter talks with the communications giant.

The negotiations stalled when news came that, after five years, Arun Sarin had resigned as Vodafone CEO on June 29th. But it was very easy to pick up where she had left off with the new boss, Vittorio Colao.

‘There was a certain chemistry,’ Ms Coughlan told reporters. ‘Vittorio is actually a reserve officer of the Italian Carabinieri, and my husband is a Garda, so there were a lot of similar life experiences. That certainly helped.’ And of course, Mr Colao was looking for an eye-catching first project.

Under the agreement, Vodafone, which in Europe alone earns in the region of €14bn every six months, agrees to clean and maintain both houses of the Oireachtas and their gardens, as well as pay the salaries of all security on duty.

This is only the first step. If things go well, then in two years’ time Vodafone will begin paying the salaries of all TDs, saving the tax-payer a significant amount of money. In exchange for this, the Dail is to be renamed the Vodafone, and all legislation and notepaper will carry the Vodafone logo, as well as the traditional harp.

The Minister added: ‘It’s great that we in the Dáil can partner a company with such a significant global footprint. Vodafone’s record with shareholders is excellent. Dividends have increased from 1.69p to 7.51p, an increase of more than 400%, in recent times. Who knows, maybe when they take over the running of the Dail dividends for our shareholders, the Irish people, will start to go up as well.’

This is the first time a national parliament has been renamed after a company. A Department of Enterprise press release saw in it ‘fitting recognition of the huge role multinationals play in the world today’ and was confident ‘other parliaments would follow.’

It has also been learned that the GAA is in negotiations to rename Croke Park ‘the Meteor.’