Irish forced to marry abroad

Conclusive evidence of the recession arrived this week, when figures published by the CSO revealed that just under 4,000 Irish couples (of a total 19,000) have been forced to tie the knot abroad so far this year.

‘It’s cheaper,’ said Deirdre Grant, of Irish Weddings Abroad.

Penurious couples have had recourse Sorrento, Rome, Cyprus, Malta and the Algarve in order to make their vows in a cost effective ceremony.

‘We’ve had this problem before. In the Eighties and the Fifties, Irish couples had to postpone marriage because the cost of housing was too high. Something similar plagued us during the nineteenth century,’ said celebrity historian Micheál O Siochrú.

‘Now the reality is that the actual cost of a wedding is prohibitive. Without these cheap foreign alternatives the marriage rate would drop dramatically, which could result in the kind of fall off in population that hasn’t been seen since the time of Cromwell.’

Budget plan revealed

Two key cuts have been revealed by the Minister for Finance this weekend.

In a decision that may prove unpopular, medical cards for over-70s are to be withdrawn.

‘This isn’t as bad as it sounds,’ said the Minister for Finance. ‘I have an uncle in Westmeath who’s always at the doctor’s, but it’s just to socialize. In some ways the waiting room is the new pub in rural Ireland. Taking your perscription is just something to do.’

‘At that age, having to remember anything keeps you on your toes. During the Celtic Tiger such practices were viewed benignly. But in the current climate the elderly will have to find ways of fighting isolation that are less costly to the public coffers.’

The second move is sure to send ripples of discontent through all Departments. In a move that will generate hundreds of millions for the exchequer, Mr Lenihan plans to let the entire civil service go.

The Finance Minister’s dislike of quangos was expressed as far back as two years ago, but his concern over the quality of the civil service has been longstanding.

Peeling the Orange

Irish students are not interested in the history of Northern Ireland, according to Vincent Rogers, Secondary School Curricular Officer at the Department of Education.

The theme of bigotry that comes good in the end has failed to capture the imaginations of school goers.

Pupils aged between 14 and 18 find the topic ‘full of pettiness, intransigence and meaningless violence.’

New Media Learning techniques will be in place from next September, when the history of the North becomes a significant component in the Leaving Certificate.

NML reaches out to students in their own language. Traditional book learning is to be supplemented with powerpoint presentations.

One of the most exciting pilot projects will have teachers, standing at the top of the class, sending text messages which explain complex problems in the space of 260 characters to their pupils. It is hoped that in the near future most of the lesson will be carried out via text.

Under the Clock

The Editor of the Irish Times, Ms Geraldine Kennedy, had to be forcibly restrained by staff on Friday night, after she demanded an editorial on the restoration of the newspaper’s clock.

The clock, which Ms Kennedy billed as ‘iconic’, received a front page coverage, with a large photograph accompanied by a 363 word article. This was followed by a further 692-word article on page three. Staff watched as Ms Kennedy orchestrated an on-line slide show to compliment the coverage.

Rumblings of discontent began when Ms Kennedy, who earns a basic salary of €323,000, announced plans to make the clock the subject of Saturday’s editorial.

‘It was a step too far,’ said Alison Healy, who was made pen the articles.

Three years ago Ms Kennedy faced down a significant staff rebellion, provoked by the lavish salaries of senior management. The Sunday Independent reported on 7 August 2005:

‘Geraldine Kennedy and five other directors were paid a total of €2.6m last year - an extraordinary 20.5 per cent cut of the paper's total profits. The rest of the 544 staff shared just four per cent of Irish Times profits among them.’

Insiders say the paper is being torn apart by ‘divisions that only Fianna Fail has known.’

Frank McDonald, Kathy Sheridan, Lorna Siggins, Miriam Lord, Shane Hegarty, Michael Viney, Eileen Battersby and the pol cors are firmly in favour of good quality, low cost domestic reporting.

This is in stark contrast to high-end faction, led by Roisin Ingle, who last week traveled to India for a three page article on therapeutic massage.

Divisions were symbolically on show last week when Brian O Connell wrote a piece about getting an expensive Dublin haircut, only to be followed a day later by Fiona McCann visiting the capital’s charity shops, a subtle criticism of the high-enders.

Insiders are waiting to hear from paper heavy-weight Fintan O Toole, who is both open to six month trips to China and critical of the ‘fat cat’ mentality.

The clock was originally erected at the newspaper’s offices in Westmoreland Street, at the beginning of the tewntieth century; it can now be viewed outside the paper’s news offices on Townsend Street.

Defender of Democracy

In an interview with the Sunday Independent today Libertas leader Declan Ganley claimed that he ‘caught the European Union by the beard and I smote it,’ in this way ‘delivering Ireland out of the paw of Brussels.’

Since his June victory the Libertas leader, one of a small number of Irish people to speak with an English accent, has never been seen without a helmet of brass on his head and five smooth stones in a sling. The stones do not have their origins in the EU.

Mr Ganley, a man of ruddy countenance and mysterious wealth, also revealed that he sent the late Liam Lawlor on a humanitarian mission to Albania. ‘I wanted him to warn the people out there of pyramid schemes.’

In the manner of another Fianna Fail Minister Mr Ganley has sought to draw in line in the sand on the subject of Libertas’ funding. His ‘clear and concise’ clarification is as follows:

‘We complied with the rules to the letter. Finished.’

Mr Ganley admitted he admires Henry VIII, who is best remembered as Defender of the Faith. ‘Henry was a man who was faced with bureaucracy, not from Brussels, but from Rome. Like Libertas, he refused to be told how to run his domestic affairs by the diktats of a foreign organisation.’

Mr Ganley will speak on the Lisbon Treaty at UCD this Tuesday evening.

Obama’s Ageism

Barack Obama has refused to support Ireland’s Positive Ageing Week, fearful that his remarks could be seen as an endorsement for the McCain campaign.

The revelation came when Taoiseach Brian Cowen, in New York to address a high-level UN summit in New York, asked the Illinois Senator for ‘a supportive comment, a soundbite, just something to raise the Week’s profile.’

‘We were quite taken aback,’ said Lorraine Dorgan, deputy chief executive of Age Action.

Positive Ageing Week began on Friday and will continue until 4 October.

In Lehman’s terms

U.S. lawmakers have officially signed off on a deal to create a $700 billion government fund to buy bad debt from ailing banks in a bid to stem a credit crisis threatening the global economy.

‘You struggle against adversity to set up a business, you display the entrepreneurial spirit that America cherishes, you create a multibillion dollar organisation, you cook the books, someone finds out, it all goes through the floor – so your Government bails you out and you start again,’ said U.S Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson.

‘The United States has never believed in a heartless, dog eat dog society,’ he added.

Speaker Pelosi hopes the deal will help put last week's ‘white-knuckle volatility’ behind.

‘What America needs now is a small-scale terrorist attack to distract us, to unite us, to give us back our confidence,’ said President Bush.