Humans to survive animal extinction

Humanity’s continuing war on animals is going well, according to the latest UN Extinction Index. Half the world’s 634 species of primates are dying out.

‘The situation is even better than we imagined,’ said Francesco Bellotti, President of Humans First, Think Later. ‘We’re killing species we’ve never even heard of.’

'Not even the most hardened animalist will shed a tear for the grey-shanked langur or the pygathrix cinerea – because until now no one had ever heard of them. Same goes for red colobus.’

‘Fifty years isn’t much in the life of the Earth – but it’s a heck of a lot when people work together.’

Obama pledges more alliteration in War on Poverty

Tiergarten park, Berlin – Democratic nominee Barack Obama pledged more hope and handshaking, lovingkindness and leaflets for America’s poor if elected to office this November.

‘My heart is glad, and my flesh rests in hope,’ America’s premier orator told Berliners. ‘The sorrows of the poor shall be multiplied no more.’

Mr Obama continued: ‘It is an ineludible truth that the defeat of inertia is inestimable.’

If elected president, he could assure his fellow Americans, together with the people of the world, that his administration would feature ‘less provocation and more proximation, fewer promises and more profusion, profundity, progress and peace.’

These last remarks have led some supporters to hail Mr Obama as the first presidential candidate to lauch a War on War.

Mr Obama was speaking in front of the attractive Siegessaeule, or Victory Column, a 70 meter high monument that celebrates Prussia’s speedy obliteration of the Danish, Austrian and French armies between 1864 and 1870.