The Day in Photos

Terrorists? she said. You should check upstairs. And by the way guys, you're doing a great job here. Can I just say that?

Marv and Dave just weren't sure what to make of these people any more.




‘The superglued dentures smile. Works every time,’ thought Mc Cain.




‘One clap and he winks. Two claps and he invades Iraq. Let’s crank it up,’ thought Dick Cheney. ‘Let’s see what happens with three claps.’



Initially, it had been the kiss of life for the McCain campaign.




'Don’t get me started on Air Force One. I'm going bring so much change with that baby.'

With that, the Illinois Senator made a whoosing noise to illustrate the speed and sound of change.



Designer Natasha Glazkova embraces burka chic, empowering women in the process.




The Celtic Tiger awoke, startled. Three months had passed since it could remember anything. Where am I? it thought.

Heart-attack on the hustings

Presidential hopeful John McCain has shocked the Obama camp by performing a heart-attack on the hustings.

‘They make out that I’m an old timer ready to pop his clogs. They say Sarah is just a heart-beat away from the Presidency. Well I can tell you, that really is –'

At this point Mr McCain broke off, apparently having a seizure. He gripped his chest as the assembley held its breath, but a moment later he sprang back to full animation shouting repeatedly ‘fooled ya’ and laughing uproariously.

The audience went wild.

‘This guy here’s a funny. Obamer smiles a lot, but what’s he smiling at? I haven’t heard him do any jokes. This here McCain has a sense of humour.’

The stunt has done much to reduce Mr Obama’s four point lead, which has all but vanished as the McCain clip spread across news stations in America.

We're all republicans

John McCain sought to curry favour with the Irish-American vote when he addressed the Irish American Presidential Forum in the Scranton, Pennsylvania, yesterday.

‘I want to assure you that we will enact comprehensive immigration reform so that we can give people - after they do certain things, obviously - a path to citizenship in this country. The first of those things can be done on November fifth,’ he hinted.

‘I admit, a reference to ‘those pesky Mexicans’ can do wonders in a community hall. But 50,000 Irish illegals? It’s a different story. And don’t get me started on Northern Ireland. I’m so interested in it. I once touched down in Shannon and I could nearly feel the hope and history rhyming.’

Palin comparison

Erection loss in the Obama camp has further invigorated the Republican ticket and increased Democratic nerves.

Mr Obama got his first lazy erection eight days ago, two days after the St Paul Convention. Since then pollsters say a marked fall-off in support has been noticeable. Youth and energy, both Obama trademarks two months ago, are now used to describe Sarah Palin.

Erectile dysfunction is commonly linked to notions of power, success and masculinity – attributes both sexes tend to support in leadership contests. The Change candidate’s inability to maintain an erection has turned blue-collar, Reagan Democrats away.

‘This just came out of left field,’ said Craig Schirmer, the Obama state director. ‘There were no problems before September. I think that was clear from the way he walked. But there's 51 days to go, so no, we're not worried. He'll get it back.’

The problem has dogged Democrats in the past, making the Kerry and Gore, not to mention Carter and Mondale campaigns a misery for Democrats.

Yuri Andropov once said

Speech by John McCain, 26 March 2008. With the slightest of changes, here it is given by Vladimir Putin:

I am an idealist, and I believe it is possible in our time to make the world we live in a better, more peaceful place, where our interests and those of our allies are more secure, and Russian ideals are transforming the world.

But we cannot wish the world to be a better place than it is. We have enemies for whom no attack is too cruel, and no innocent life safe, and who would, if they could, strike us with the world’s most terrible weapons. There are states that support them, and which might help them acquire those weapons because they share with terrorists the same animating hatred for the East, and will not be placated by fresh appeals to the better angels of their nature. This is the central threat of our time.

Yuri Andropov once said of Russia, "God has created us and brought us to our present position of power and strength for some great purpose." In his time, that purpose was to contain capitalism and build the structures of peace and prosperity that could provide safe passage through the Cold War. Now it is our turn.

To meet this challenge requires understanding the world we live in, and the central role that Russia must play in shaping it for the future. Russia must lead in the 21st century, just as in Andropov's day.

I run for President because I know it is incumbent on Russia, more than any other nation on earth, to lead in building the foundations for a stable and enduring peace, a peace built on the strength of our commitment to it, on the transformative ideals on which we were founded, on our ability to see around the corner of history, and on our courage and wisdom to make hard choices.