Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Graveyard ‘a cradle of Irish history’

Glasnevin cemetery is to be revamped in the lead-up to the 1916 centenary. Home to O' Connell, Parnell, DeValera and Collins, the State hopes to turn it into one of the great world cemeteries.

An tasteful interpretive centre is planned. There will also be a small café featuring staff dressed as some of the cemetery’s most famous inhabitants.

The Government has commissioned models from Dublin’s now defunct Wax Works. They will be placed either above the gravestones of the notable dead, or will be assembled in a small museum adjacent to the café.

The plan was initiated in 2006 and preparatory work began yesterday. It is due to be completed by early 2016.

New buzzword unveiled for 2009 – 2014

‘Security of supply’ has beaten off contenders to become the buzzphrase of the next five years.

The phrase will be used by the media to cover topics from biofuels, the Meath pylons saga and Russian gas supplies to former Soviet dependents. Sociologists and literary critics will adopt the forumla within three years.

Since 1998, a phrase or word has been awarded special status in Ireland for a five year period. The outgoing winner was ‘feelgood factor.’

The win was announced last night in the Conrad Hotel, Dublin, by Longford model Edel Coakley, who represented Parity of Esteem between 1998 and 2003.

Dublin Bus fare hikes likely

As the price of oil drops yet again, Dublin Bus fears its fuel costs will double to €37 million next year. Oil fell today to $118 a barrel.

Meanwhile, a report has shown that inefficiencies in the banking practices of the HSE have added a further €20m onto its annual costs.

Minister for Transport Noel Dempsey has denied his Department could do with the money. Mr Dempsey was attending the opening of the Park West & Cherry Orchard rail line yesterday, and initially refused to be drawn on the issue.

But reporters put it to him that he had asked Health Minister Mary Harney to ‘slap a few heads together.’

The Minister, posing for good news photographs with the Chairman of Iarnrod Eireann Dr John Lynch, said: ‘I made, and will make, no representations to the Minister for Health. Furthermore, what Dublin Bus gets up to is its own business. If you will excuse me, I am busy looking at the big picture.’

Dublin Bus’ revenue in 2007 was €200.4 million, an increase of 6% from 2006.

Fintan O Tooles of the future

The deadline for submissions and objections for the Dublin Docklands €4.5bn regeneration plan has been extended. Due to end tomorrow, citizens now have until September 23rd to view the display.

The Authority has particularly requested Dubliners between the ages of five and thirty-five to view the plans, because in thirty years’ time ‘they’ll be the ones cribbing about the lack of thought that went into the project.’

‘I swear to God,’ said Dan Culleton of the DDDA, ‘There’ll be this wrong and that wrong and why wasn’t that done better. Now’s your chance.'

This time last year

This time last year the Sunday Independent ran a headline story: 'Cowen still secluded in Algarve on a long weekend break as crisis looms over economy.'

There were 'growing concerns at the rapid deterioration of the economy...mounting calls last night for his return...market turmoil, record high unemployment' and 'housing completion drop by 25%.'

A year on the Sunday Independent's headline was 'Cabinet goes on holidays as crisis worsens.'

Last year Richard Bruton said Mr Cowen's was a ‘cavalier attitude’. This year the Fine Gael finance spokesman said: 'What we are seeing is the latest thread of economic policy unravelling as a result of four years of soft option decision- making by Brian Cowen and the Department of Finance.' In 1998 Mr Bruton made the following remarks: 'FF is repeatedly taking the soft option.'

A secretary to Mr Fanning said: 'The summer crisis-Cabinet on holidays story is an annual - and immensely popular - one, run between the Galway races and the second week in August. This has been the case since 1986.'

Pity the four hundred in Chad

Our troops in Chad have been suffering since their arrival last April because their camp’s sewerage system is not working properly. At present, it is fifty degrees in the shade and the stench is appalling. Engineers have identified a problem with the system’s decanter but have been unable to fix the apparatus.

Lt Gen Earley has assured the four hundred troops that more engineers are on the way. ‘We are lucky to have people who understand and who are committed to doing the very best that they can with the resources available,’ he said.

To make matters worse, the refugee camp for displaced people neighbours the Irish base. This complex has no sewerage system.

Viral infections are rampant among our troops, as the wind picks up faecal matter and circulates it around the base.

Defence Minister Willie O’Dea returned from a brief visit to Chad on July 30, but said nothing about the sewerage problems.

2 ½ billion people have no access to basic toilet facilities. Until recently, none of them was Irish.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Alcohol subsidy for Irish speakers

The Minister for Community, Rural and Gaeltacht Affairs, Éamon Ó Cuív, has unveiled a controversial new carrot for Irish speakers.

Mr Ó Cuív has announced subsidies of 50% on pints – provided Irish is spoken when drinking. The subsidy applies across the republic and will not discriminate against Gaeltacht areas.

To avail of the subsidy, however, drinkers must also switch to the as yet little known O Hara’s Stout.

‘This is because I’m not going to subsidise Diageo or any of the other merger and acquisitioners,’ the Minister said. ‘The O Hara brand is run by a few lads in Carlow. They’re the only ones left brewing in Ireland who are Irish owned and run. Even Beamish is gone. It’s a small outfit, but they’ve assured me they can brew more than enough to keep us going.’

Cabinet colleagues were taken aback at Mr Ó Cuív plans for financing the scheme, but his persuasiveness and clarity won the day.

He explained: ‘The EU made Irish the 23rd working language of the Union eighteen months ago, at a cost of €3.5m a year. But is anyone reading all that Brusselocracy as Gaeilge? No. Could that money be better spent? Yes. So I said, ditch Irish as a working language but continue to make the cash available to the cause. And they agreed. So the alcohol subsidies won’t cost the state a thing – at least in the early stages.’

The Irish Vintners Association welcomed the Minister’s initiative. It is hoped the scheme will give struggling pubs a welcome fillip.

If the programme goes well the Minister is expected to extend the idea to public transport, the health service and perhaps even the construction industry.

According to the 2002 census 40% of Irish people can speak Irish.